If I took over the country...

I've been MIA for a while and I have a good excuse for that...but, you don't care so I'll just post something I wrote yesterday when I finally had some spare time.

I've been thinking of taking over the world lately, you know, because I recently realized that I'm invincible. Or...it may have something to do with the female Captain America Halloween costume I just ordered.

Which got me thinking about the opposite of CA.

If I were evil ...

1. All caffeinated drinks would be illegal.

2. Coffee (decaf, of course) is required to be cold.

3. No such thing as paid vacation, sick leave, maternity leave or the FMLA. If you don't show up-you're fired 'The Apprentice' Style by Trump, himself.

4. All meetings will be scheduled for 4:30 PM on Fridays and last, at least 2 hours tops (even if 'fillers' are needed to make this happen-think any meeting on The Office).

5. Schwarzenegger would be my second in command and he is required to make a 45 minute speech on all stations daily during prime time...no channel is excluded.

6. New motto on our money: In God We Trust...Fo shizzle.

7. It is mandatory that the DMV actually weigh you at the time of licensing or renewing.

8. Upon entering college, you are required to take a test like they do in gradeschool that shows what jobs you may be 'talented' in. You are then REQUIRED by law to get education for and have a career in one of those professions (this will cut down on all the 'hope' that people have that they can overcome obstacles, etc.) or work in a daycare. Either way…it will most likely be the worst job ever.

9. A requirement to break out into a song and dance routine every other day at 1 PM will be enforced by area school glee clubs.

10. No cheerleaders, strippers (exotic dancers) or fashion shows.

10. No cheerleaders, strippers (exotic dancers) or fashion shows...it needed to be said twice.

11. Mere commonfolk (ie. anyone but me and my peeps) would only have access to domestic, highly commercialized beer (ie: Coors, Bud, Miller or anything ending in ‘light’) and wine and no hard A.

12. Every company you call will send you through to an automated line and every button you push will just put you deeper into the abyss of computer-generated voices. If you ever do happen to talk to a representative, they will sound like any person you’d ever talk to at Dell or Dell Financial Services (they will never note anything in your account, will not apply payments correctly and charge you undue finance charges in excessive amounts, will not take responsibility for their mistakes, will NOT speak English fluently, will ask you if you restarted your computer 6 times before they actually try something different and will not be wrong…even if they are).

13. Birth control and drug tests would be required to receive any sort of welfare (can’t decide if being evil to the needy or being responsible is actually the evil part).

The breakage of any of these rules/laws will result in any of the following:
-A specified amount of time forced watching either The Golden Girls reruns or The Simple Life.
-Gilbert Gottfried would follow you around all day repeating your every word...to everyone until either: you have a mental breakdown or everyone else starts to sound like him.
-You'd be required to rewrite the actual Constitution of the United States in lolspeak and then explain it to your relatives over the age of 55 until they are fluent enough to post their own lolcatz on the internets.

SeaTac Airport Rant by Liverfire

I’m not retarded….I swear

I don’t know if any one else gets called retarded every now and then, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been called that more than once. The most recent, and of course, now the most prominent was the last time I had to endure SeaTac. Landing in Seattle upon arrival should have been my first clue that I should have brought Graphite (my seeing-eye dog). I was supposed to wait on the plane for the flight attendant to come get me, but I didn’t and just headed to the back. The attendant that was supposed to come help me rushed from the front and found out that all she had to do was point to the exit for me. She was actually very nice and not condescending.

I made it down the stairs of the plane, probably to their amazement ("their" meaning the flight attendants and the helper waiting for me at the bottom.) And there also at the bottom was a wheelchair. For a split second I thought maybe we were waiting for someone else. But my heart sank a little when I remembered I was the last one on the frickin' plane. Just a reminder, I walked down the stairs on my own two (very functional) legs. Yet, the helper still asked if I needed the wheelchair (sigh) I just said “no, I can just walk with you” She was nice but seemed a little irritated, maybe she thought I was too lazy to find my own damn way out of the airport or maybe she did think I was retarded.

After my fun filled-trip in Seattle I had the most frustrating time I’ve ever had in an airport. SF walked me to the gate (well we thought it would be my gate). I talked to the foreign chick (I’m not a racist but she kind of made me think twice about ummm, foreigners) and I told her I would need assistance getting to the plane, in hindsight I should have said that I needed a sighted guide. She said ok and someone would come get me when the plane was getting ready to board. I thought 'ok, I’ll sit here and try to look insignificant for a while'.

I overheard that the gates in my section were getting changed one after the other I just knew mime was coming up too. Sure enough mine was switched. Only eight gates down and I probably would have found it just fine but I went up to the desk anyway. There was another guy asking about the switch and right there I should have kept my mouth shut and just subtly followed him to the gate. But a bit of panic took over and I told her I needed assistance. So she looks over at a couple of workers and said and I quote “This girl is retarded or something can you bring her to her gate?” It took me a moment to figure out what she said, due to the thick accent.

When it finally processed what she said I almost slammed my hand on the desk and screamed at her. Instead, being the whimp that I am, I said “I’m not retarded just vision-impaired, that’s all.” And btw there was an older couple standing right there looking at me knowing what was going on and which gate I was going to but they said nothing. So this girl came over, told me to follow her and I, again, reiterated that I was just vision-impaired. She didn’t reply. She had me get on a shuttle, another worker (a guy) also got on. He heard the whole thing too and acted all cheerful and shit and annoyingly asking me how my day was and where I was going. Me, close to tears, responded with one word answers. They stopped at my gate said something and I got off without a word. Big surprise-the same guy I could have followed was standing there, he didn’t say anything to me...fucking idiot.

As I stood there that older couple that witnessed the humiliation came wandering over. Again not saying a word. This girl that had not witnessed the BS came up and asked to use my phone...yay! I felt normal again.

That lasted about a minute until the gal at the podium called me. She told me that someone would help me, again I had to explain I didn’t need a wheelchair or an elevator just a sighted guide. At that point I wished I would have told her I didn’t need any help and went back to talk to the girl that used my phone. Then the stupid ass pilots needed to rest or something so I had to just stand there like a moron for ten minutes. They announced that any passengers that had kids or needed assistance can board. I went up there and she said someone was coming for me. The dumb bitch proceeds to allow all passengers on. I had to back out of the way of the crowd. The person who came to help was looking for me. I was behind the crowd and I had to make my way through and announce that I was the one they were looking for. At this point I was about ready to kill myself. I followed the gal down the two flights of stairs and noticed that I could probably have done this all on my own. I am used to those jet ways they have that you have to walk a long distance with multiple doors to choose from. The plane was pretty much right out the door. So I asked the girl helping me how many rows there were and said I needed the back doorway. I went up the stairs by myself, much to her mild surprise, I’m sure. Found my seat next to some guy and I tried for a while not to cry. My spirits were lifted when they said there was beer.

I try not to think “oh why, oh why me” but it’s hard when shit like this happens. I have had flight attendants that were crabby outright and others that were indifferent and even the airport workers were usually pretty nice. Though one time a guy drove me in one of those shuttles up to this big area that had a bunch of gates and pointed in the general direction of my gate. I nearly missed the flight cuz I wasn’t sure which door to go to. And all I do before I have to fly anywhere is stress about finding where I need to go. I know no one else even thinks about it twice when they fly. It’s not a big deal...you just follow the signs, and if you can’t see the signs? Well fuck you, your screwed. That’s when I get the "why me" syndrome and wonder why I even bother with the traveling by myself anyway. It gets tiresome dealing with the idiots that have never dealt with a blind person before. I wonder what happens when they have to deal with a real retarded person.

Let's welcome Liverfire!!!

Remember a long time ago when I said that if you'd like to 'ghost-post' on my blog, I'd be happy to give you the opportunity to make that dream happen?!?

Well, recently a longtime friend of mine expressed interest in trying her hand at writing so I offered to let her post here from time to time so let's all welcome Liverfire! (this is where you clap and yell)...

Here's her introduction:

I grew up on a dairy farm in ND (insert jokes here) and had a normal childhood. At some point, we found that I was having vision problems that only became worse as I got older. It took a few years for the doctors to figure out what I had. It has a German name but it is considered the juvenile form of Macular Degeneration. My vision became worse until it plateaued sometime in my adolescence.

Since my official diagnosis at age ten, I proceeded to spend the next fifteen years or so pretending that I was “normal” like everyone else. 'Pretending' as in someone saying “did you see that?” and me replying "yes". That happened a lot. I actually didn’t get myself in to too many bad situations. I never fell off any cliffs or got run over, stuff like that. I became really good at guessing what things I couldn’t see looked like or making myself have a good memory so I could do better on tests… I can delve in to that kind of stuff later.

It took me a few years after high school to figure out what I wanted to do with my “life”. But when I finally did, with much kicking and screaming, I became a Practitioner of Chinese Medical Massage. I met my current boyfriend and we moved in together. I had lived in the country my whole life and always did fine walking around. But after living in town I realized something was missing. I had a couple of scares with cars and their crazy drivers. I met a, now great friend, wonderful person who was using a guide dog. She explained the whole process to me and I just knew I had to get one. So in a very short amount of time I received my guide, Graphite.
More stories of him to come in the near future.

Well this is where Liverfire's story begins...Any stories from her will be noted in the headline. Enjoy!

It's shitty fashion week!

If you're human, you've noticed the fashion trends that come and go here in the good old U.S of A. Personally, I fail to understand the reasons behind why we thought they were cool then...let alone now...
Remember bell bottoms in the 70's? Then you'll remember how the trend came back sometime in the early 2000's?
Or baby doll dresses from the 60's that made a comeback in the 90's? Or cat's eye glasses from the 50's that are actually retro right now?!

Now I know this site doesn't necessarily cater to females, but I am a female and am hoping that this post will help other females from making some serious mistakes I've noticed in the fashion world (for this season, at least). Plus, I'm fairly sick of the lack of options in the mall right now...so anything I can do to deter the shitty buying behavior that people with no taste get suckered into, will make me feel better. Now don't get me wrong, I'm definitely NOT a fashionista but since I have a forum to vent, you all get to hear my rant so here goes...

I've decided to stick with the fashion trends that are hot right now or what is being marketed as hot for the next season (fall). I've picked the crappiest (in my opinion) of what's out there.

Skinny jeans.

There is no way in fucking hell that this trend is cool. Even the punk kids and skaters that made these popular again look like douchebags in training. They are jeans that are taper into a pencil cut at the ankles...so, what? You can see my socks better? I guess for guys with a larger than normal 'package', this could work out in their favor....

I think this trend gives people the idea that they can actually wear them...which is false. Not everyone can wear these jeans...no matter how 'in' they are. First...men shouldn't wear them. Second, overweight people shouldn't (and usually can't) wear them. People who weigh over 93 pounds shouldn't wear them. Short people shouldn't wear them (because they're too long usually). Anyone who wants to be taken seriously shouldn't wear them. Anyone who isn't in between 15 and 17 years old and isn't a Jonas brother shouldn't wear them. The Jonas brothers shouldn't wear them. Does that help?

Oversized glasses.

There's been a post in the forums for quite some time about this and I'll admit, I agree with all the comments. There is no reason for glasses this big. Unless, of course, you're trying to cover the fact that your nose is comparable to Barbara Streisand's or hiding your resemblances to the Hiltons.

Ed Hardy...anything.

I just don't get the fashion craze this designer has formed. His designs make my head ache...there is way too much going on that I feel like I have vertigo just walking by the rack. If I wanted to look like trailer trash, I could find something in my sisters closet instead of paying the exorbitant prices that are plastered on this crap.

So I ask you this...if I ever buy anything Ed Hardy, please buy me a 6 pack of PBR and some crystal meth, tune the TV in to Nascar, give me a broken lawn chair, a box of bleach hair dye and write me off.

Gladiator Sandals.

Ok, even I'll admit that some variations of these CAN be cute BUT they are few and far between...I promise you this. They were cool in the movies Sparta and 300, otherwise I haven't seen a pair in real life that meets my standards and I don't have standards. Enough said.

Laddered stockings.

It's true...this is actually a fashion on the upswing to trendiness. To explain it: you basically just take a good pair of tights or nylons (which cost anywhere from 5-50 dollars) and...rip them so they are particularly worthless.

So, I already gave you the talk about how to treat me given that I buy anything Ed Hardy now...let's move on to if I decide I'd like to dress like a homeless person...with a car...and a job...and a home. How can something that makes you look like you had rough sex in an alley with the likes of Billy Thornton against a dumpster, be trendy? I'd like to help the fashion world by repealing the attractiveness of this fashion statement. DON'T DO IT!

Hypercolor.

This is almost as bad as neon...no wait...it's worse. The point of hypercolor is that heat changes the color of the fabric. Sounds pretty cool right? Think about it this way...what happens under your arms during the day? What if you're wearing a pair of shorts or tights that are hypercolor? Yeah, I'd love to advertise that I'm sweaty or (dare I say) 'hot' in certain places. Talk about awkward. This trend needs to stay in the 90's on Beverly Hills 90210 where it belongs...although it was a fleeting movement then also.

Crocs.

Bring back jelly shoes instead-at least kids looked cute in those. Crocs are for people who don't have any sense of fashion...therefore the term 'fashion trend' when it comes to Crocs is misleading.

Just don't. That's all.

The next time you shop, remember my advice. And if you still can't figure out what to do, I do make house/store calls. I really don't mind telling you that you look like an asshat, fucktard or poser...let me know if I can help. Until then, I'll be at the nearest vintage/consignment store looking for 'real' fashion.

And don't forget to miss fashion week in New York, September 10-17th!

The scarlet letter of first dates...

You know how first dates usually go: The awkward silences after you admit that you blog. The vapid looks you give after he tells you he lives in his parents basement. The emotional roller-coaster when he walks away because even if he wasn't exactly what you wanted...what if, just what if...he's great in the sack?

Wouldn't it just be great if society didn't judge you based on your rampant promiscuous tendencies but rather on the quality of your performance? But, that's probably a different blog...I digress...

Today I'll finger the first date fuck. You know you've all done it and if you haven't, you're forgetting someone. If I've done it, you have. Ok...bad example, I've probably done a lot of things you haven't...

So, my point is...who's to say that getting down after a first date is a bad thing? What's the point of spending all that time getting to know someone if you can't test drive them first to see if maybe they are someone you might want to introduce your friends to, or at least, let sweat all over you again?

And why should we have to think about it so much? I agree that my train of thought is a bit progressive and liberal (albeit maybe jaded too) than that of my conservative counterparts but why do we put so much stock into what's going to happen next in relationships?

I'd rather just live and let live. Diddling skittles with a guy on the first date doesn't necessarily mark you for life as a harlot. There is something to be said for the vibes you are getting from the other party that play a huge role in what your intentions become. Why should you be able to enjoy each others company in all aspects of conversation and the fun factor of being with someone just as long as it stops at the bedroom?

I'll admit that I haven't said 'yes' to every guy who's tried to bed me after the first date but I have...on occasion. You probably wouldn't blame me if I told you the circumstances either. There's something to be said for the right wine, the perfect conversation, the way he touches your hand across the table, how many times he stops talking because (he says) he had to catch his breath at the sight of you, the way he pulls you close to his hard body and whispers in your ear as he kisses you on the pier overlooking the sound at sunset.

Yeah, it's happened a few times...wow...calm down Seattle...

Ok...back to business after a short break...

(Insert Jeopardy theme here...)

...

Having sex on the first date doesn't necessarily rule out a potential future relationship with a person. In my advice, it just makes things a lot less difficult-you got the main stress factor out of the way, right? Smooth sailing from there.

I should warn though that communication is very, very important. By no means should you lead the other party to believe something that isn't true. For example, don't play like you intend to have a relationship with the person if you're not or play like you don't want one if you actually do. Make sense?

I've found that as long as I'm true to my intentions, things are usually very clear for both parties involved.

Failure to communicate is the biggest issue when it comes to relationships for as far back as there is human history...why would it be any different for fucking on the first date?

I've heard that this messes with the 'chase' that people are so enamored with but, if this is the case, shouldn't we also be a little worried about the 'wasting of our time' aspect of things. Personally, I've had a 'connection' with people that ended at the bedroom door because there was nothing there to keep me coming back for more. It's sad but it does happen. It's better even yet when you've found that person and figured out on the first date that he/she is everything you were hoping for!

With all this said, if it is meant to be, it's meant to be. Go into dating with no expectations so that you'll be pleasantly surprised or, at least, not disappointed...this goes for sex too, I've learned.

My disclaimer: don't make this a run of the mill thing you do...if so, you deserve the slut tag you will be pinned with. Come on...you know what feels like the right connection. And you know when you just need sex because you're a whore in training...figure it out.

So the next time you feel the bond with someone on a first date, take my ever-experienced advice and let all your worries go. You are a new age woman/man-you deserve this!

'Glam'-ping-how chicks camp!

I'm not a huge fan of girls...even though I AM one. I do, however, see how having female friends is an important factor. With that said, I'm picky about my girlfriends. I tend to steer towards the low-maintenance, non-medicated kinds. Being med-free in Seattle is not as easy as it sounds what with all the drugs needed to keep from suffering seasonal affected disorder (my advice-visit a tanning booth once in a while. Don't worry about the UV's-can't be any worse than suicide).

Back from the tangent. Girlfriends + Seattle = Camping. Yeah, doesn't make any sense yet but read on...

A few weeks ago, 6 of my girlfriends and I went camping. Having reserved our campsite in February at Deception Pass on Whidbey Island, WA, we were excited to get back to nature...which, in girl terms, means limited water supply and the possibility of being eaten by huge bugs or worse...Big Foot.

Guys will say that it isn't camping unless you have to hike in with everything on your back, fight bears for your dinner and pee outside. A friend of mine mentioned that car camping is more like pretending to be homeless for a few nights, not camping.

I'll just say this-I'm not THAT into camping. If I can't drive to within 4 feet of my reserved spot (preferably near a plumbed bathroom), I want nothing to do with it. Isn't it bad enough that I'm not going to shower for 2 days?



Since we're all from Seattle and Washington is known for it's plethora of wineries, we're all a little 'into' wine...not that you can tell from our selection below though. We figured that the leftover shit beer (anything ending in the word 'Light') from the 4th of July party would go first, then we'd follow up with wine so, by that point, it wouldn't matter. Plus, it's camping. Never fear though, there was Corona AND lime!

And just so you know...this pic is missing several bottles of wine-we tried to keep most of the white wine cold plus the cheap beer (not that it mattered, it tasted like shit anyway).



Two of my friends and I actually arrived a little late (fucking Seattle traffic) but this was a good thing...we didn't have to set up tents!

I'll go off on another tangent here so that you all understand something-my gf's have a 'quote book'...this is usually just a piece of paper that we write noteworthy sayings in that we usually vomit out while drinking then publish them later in the actual book that's floating around. I'll be using a few of the really good ones here. And just remember...things are funnier when you're drunk so...I guess I should have warned you to get sloshed prior to reading today's post!

"We need lots of wood. Do you need some wood? We're wood magnets."



The first night we ate ropa vieja (none of that shitty camping food for us Seattle women) and drank red wine thus coining the term 'glam'ping (glam camping for those of you without imaginations).

Washing the dishes after cooking is always the worst at least until SC quoted, "Naked shower time with the dishes! Time to do the dishes...everyone get naked!"

Sorry...no links to said 'dishes time' videos. ;)

"Looks like somebody just jizzed on my leg."



Saturday started out like any Saturday after drinking and campfires....slowly with mimosas.

We had tons of chips, beer, wine, cookies but...no 'real' food-we forgot the eggs for breakfast...we had priorities.

Saturday we ended up spending most of the day at the beach near DP campground and got sunburnt. I would have included a pic of mine but...I forgot to take it and now it's peeling so...NOT attractive.

"Any flat, white substance is pretty good." - in talking about crepes, lefse and pancakes. ;)



Washington has GREAT beaches! Forget San Diego and Florida! This is the 'real' stuff!

Have you ever noticed how campground toilets are sooo much higher than regular toilets?

If I'm swinging my feet, it's too high. Where the fuck do they get their stats on how high to set them? Isn't the average female like 5'5"? I'm almost 5'7" so it was pretty lame that I couldn't touch the ground.

Average toilet:



Campground toilet: Add 4 inches.

So...what do you do when there's a lag time between the beach and cooking dinner? Drinking games, of course.

Well honestly it didn't start out that way. It started out as a hike. I'll be the first to admit that the premeditated red keg cups filled with wine were the first indicator that this hike was NOT going to be the normal 'let's get some exercise, see nature, get our heart rate up' kind of thing...although 2 of our girls actually set out ahead of us to do just that.

This is the note they came back to:



After a few paces realizing that we couldn't walk and drink at the same time without spilling on ourselves, we decided that if anyone needed to take a drink, we'd all stop and drink at the same time.

Then after a while of watching cars go by and having to clear off the road (not actually having left the campground) we decided to drink when cars went by...then it escalated into drinking when we saw a green tent, then a dog, then a child with no bike helmet...needless to say, we were a bit trashed after the first lap of the campground. So...what do we do? We lap again! Of course!

"Let me put it between my legs and twist it."



By the end of the night we were all 'A.D. fucking Drunk'. We did real camp food (sausages and hamburgers) and crashed in our respective tents.

The next morning we realized we had about 1 magnum and about 2 bottles wine left and a mix of various cheap beer...but that was all! And best yet? No hangovers!

Are we pros or what?

So you might be saying to yourself 'When's the next trip? I'm in!'

September, of course. And better yet...it's Co-Ed! Bring your friends.... ;)

Now you all know that all my girlfriends are just as fucked as I am...doesn't this make you want to camp with us?

"China Wok in Burlington screams food poisoning to me."

Pics by SC, LJ and SF.

Today I realized that I'm a whore...

...and not the kind that gets paid for her 'services' either.

But what makes me feel better is that YOU are too! I ran across a study recently (a study actually released in 2007) that notes the average number of sexual partners a man has is 7 and the average number for women is 4.

4!?!

You can imagine my surprise when I realized that my number is actually more than 4 x's that amount! And I don't live in New York where the median number is still only 9!

The moment of truth: I've had a few one night stands-one of which I had twice! I met a guy at a bar (ugh), went home with him and never called him. Four months later at the same bar we replayed the first night over again with me, knowing full well, that he didn't recognize me.

I slept with a guy who was a virgin and only remembered his name last winter when my sister and I were talking about old friends...he was her friend and she doesn't know I had sex with him. I was only 19 though and he was only my 2nd partner (I didn't start having sex til I was out of high school, at least).

I'm really not sure how it would go over if I told her-I assume it would be fine since she's married now with multiple kids and they were only friends anyway but...for now, I'll just keep this info to myself.

I've had many 'relationships' (be it a friend with benefits situation or actual boyfriend). And by many, I mean...MANY. Dating is a part of life-with every relationship you're supposed to learn something about yourself or about people. I've realized recently that these relationships have helped me gain an understanding about men that people, like my youngest sister-who will soon marry the only person she's ever been with-will never be able to comprehend.

While I envy the fact that she was able to find and marry the 'one' the first time out, I also wonder if I'd wonder 'what if'?

What if I missed out on opportunities sexually?

What if there is someone else out there that is just that much more 'in tune' with me?

What if my vision of 'romance' can be topped?

With all that said, I know for sure that I haven't missed out-which makes me understand that I could be ready for a stable relationship if one should catch my eye.'

But I digress...

I do have a list but not because I need to remember their names but because notches on my bedpost (of which actually has been the same since I started having sex) seemed a big callous. Although, I'll also admit that I have a 'name' or two on the list that include 'guy from fall 2007', 'bar guy' and, until recently, 'the virgin'.

I guess I take solace in the fact that "women with higher numbers tend to be more educated, have more liberal views and higher self-esteem."

But doesn't that sound just about opposite of what we've always been led to believe? If you sleep with too many people, don't you devalue sex in a way? Isn't sex supposed to be special?

Yes, yes it is! But sometimes, just sometimes...it's a means to an end. Please don't patronize me by saying 'I never just have sex because I'm horny. It's always special and loving and sensitive' because I know you're not being honest.

Once in a while, it's just sex. I'm not saying it should be unfeeling, just that sometimes-it's filling a need for the moment.

I'm also not saying that 'just sex' is the way you should always have sex. Everyone knows that the best sex is with someone you truly have feelings for...if you haven't, you are missing out-I PROMISE!

I know for a fact that I have a higher than normal sex drive-it's even been an 'issue' in a few relationships.

Yes, it is possible for a woman to want more sex than a guy can provide. I have a friend whom I think might be just as exuberant as me but maybe she's not as willing to be as daring.

The point? Go forward and have sex! Don't let your numbers worry you or lack of numbers keep you from being with the one that makes you happy. It's all relative, right?

Source.

Source2.

Advice!

Someone should limit my alcohol intake...things like this happen more often when I'm not being supervised. What? ...you might ask.

I've created another blog...well, at least this time, I have help.

My friend, Alex, and I have created an advice column-style blog called Degrees of Crazy. Right now we're trolling the net looking for people to submit questions or requests for advice...a general 'peaking of interest', you might say.

Why ask us? Because we have an advice column, duh. And...you'll get a response-no matter what the question-within 48 hours...on the blog. It can be anonymous, just make sure you state as such in your email. Both of us have different areas of expertise and resources available...just remember-ANY QUESTION you want answered, will be. Remember...you must, MUST have a sense of humor-some replies may not be what you expect but will always be honest. :) We will NEVER include email addresses/phone numbers/Facebook pages, etc. So...no worries there. :)

And...everything is confidential if you want it anonymous. You have our word. Scouts honor.

With that said, just click on the link below to go to our blog and email us at degreesofcrazy@gmail.com.

Degrees of Crazy

Oh and ... I'll be writing as 'Eve' on Degrees of Crazy as opposed to Seattle Freeze on the other 2 blogs. :)

PS-We both also write for Morphine Nation! Check it out!

Zero Punctuation game reviews: Overlord 2

Yes...this is funny even for non-gamers. ;)

Comic-Con - Not just for nerds anymore...

Ok, it might still be for nerds but that's only you need to take into consideration their choice of movies/television. If eagerly awaiting the G.I. Joe movie or enjoying a few sparkling vampires here and there is nerdy, I don't want to be cool.

If anything, it's not just for comic book fans anymore as more and more movies are based on comic books and children's toys.

My point is Comic-Con = the epitome of coolness. My sister goes every year and she's...well...she's an orc and has a slight addiction to World of Warcraft and her husband actually owns a light saber and Stormtrooper costume. Ok, bad example but I promise, it's cool!

Let me count the ways that Comicon is cool this year:

G.I. Joe - Remember these toys?!? My brothers had 2 girl G.I. Joes - Lady Jayne and Baroness (Cobra). They let me play but only THESE 2 CHARACTERS. In no way, shape or form would my Barbie dolls suffice as female soldiers or I would be excommunicated from the room.

But, I digress...I cannot, CANNOT wait for this movie...if even just for nostalgia reasons. Plus...I'd totally let Channing Tatum destroy me. ;)
New Moon - Ok so no one reading Morphine Nation is going to think New Moon is cool but ... there are bad parents out there letting their 14 year old daughters post on Reddit so...this is for you girls!

Sparkly jealous vampires and manic depressive shapeshifters vying the attention of a klutzy clueless nobody. Sounds like my kind of movie. Futurama - ZOMG! It's back!!! It's back!!! Ok, so the new episodes won't air til mid-next year but...SQUEEL! It's back!

Check out the Futurama/Simpsons/24 panel at Comic-con! Alice in Wonderland - Yes, you read it right. Tim Burton's version of Alice in Wonderland includes....*drumroll*.... JOHNNY DEPP! That pirate that we all adore puts on a top hat and renews the roll of the Mad Hatter in true Depp style. Toy Story 3 - "Son of a building block! It's Woody!" My favorite Pixar movie of all time was Toy Story, then they made a sequel. And....IT DIDN'T SUCK! It was, quite possibly, BETTER!

Now Pixar has again joined forces with Disney to create Toy Story 3!!! In 3D!!!

To infinity! And beyond! The Vampire Diaries - Another vampire series? Do we really need it? Well, vampires ARE hot right now so I guess...YES! The premiere of VD is in September and I'm fairly certain I'll be glued to the TV that night.

I know I'm not 14 but...I do enjoy a good vampire show. And better yet, THEY DON'T FUCKING SPARKLE! Dollhouse - I've probably only watched an episode or 2 of this show but for those of you who adored Elisha Dushku on Buffy or Angel, you can get your fix Friday nights this fall here.

Oh yeah, I think all those other people are in it too... This isn't to say that any or all of these actors will actually make appearances AT Comic-Con but, chances are you'll have sightings of celebrities that aren't scheduled to show. I have good information that notes 'CRAZIER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED!'

My point? If you like stuff...GO! Have fun!

Bring me pics!

A girls guide to being single...

Now don't get me wrong...I date. I date a few people exclusively. I sleep with only one person though...err...not sleep with one person (yeah, that's it).

How do I do it without the biological clock buzzing it's way through my forehead? I don't...I have internal bleeding and possibly brain damage.

How do I do it though without drugs or meds? How do I remain calm? Practice. Patience. And...the understanding that I'M REALLY OK BEING SINGLE! (drugs are for the weak)...

In talking with a friend yesterday, she was telling me about some other of her friends that just NEED to have a boyfriend-they feel like having a man in their lives completes them in a way.

And while I totally agree with having a steady as a good thing, I don't think that NOT having a boyfriend is a bad thing. There are just as much pressures being in a relationship as there are NOT being in a relationship.

Being single, I have my dad pressuring me to move home to the midwest and looking forward to hooking me up with a dairy farmer with the promise of never having to work again. While the not working bit is tempting, the having 5 kids and living a few hundred miles from a Macy's isn't. A girls gotta have her priorities, right?

I also have the friends' weddings to attend. Singly. Yeah, these are rough. Over the weekend I attended a girlfriend's wedding. It was nice, short and casual (the best type). The scary part-I wanted that. A year ago at my brother's wedding-I didn't (with that said, I don't actually want the 'wedding' part-too much work). The difference? I'm not settling.



It seems that people settle too much for people they don't connect with because they are either A. Afraid of being single or B. Stupid about love.

That being said, even I have dated people for long periods of time knowing the relationship had an expiration date. There's something to be said for 'filling a need' and convenience. My advice though? Don't get sucked in. Don't get in so deep that you lose yourself, your friends or your passions.

Being with right someone should ADD TO your life, not make it more difficult or bring you more stress. Relationships are work, I understand this. But, in no way should they hurt you (physically, emotionally or verbally). This goes for girls too. Believe you me...I know girls are horrible and just as 'at fault' for problems.

Now for a few tips from none other than the Seattle Freeze to help you in 'single-dom':

1. Hang out with your friends/family...ALOT. If you don't, you will be sad. You will be sad all the time. Even if you don't notice it, it will take you over. You WILL need meds to get out of it...and no one wants that. Note: hang out with people who are just as happy with being single as you are. There's no need to make yourself miserable by hearing everyone else complain about NOT having a boyfriend. Keep it clear with family though-YOU ARE IN NO HURRY TO SETTLE. Dads should especially understand this one...

2. Date. Date ALOT. You're thinking 'easier said than done', right? Nope...it's easy. I promise. It's called THE INTERNET. I'm not talking Craigslist...I'm talking actual dating sites. I know you've heard the horror stories, etc. but...personally, I'm on one. I've only had one bad experience. Otherwise, I've learned a lot about what I want, what I don't want and made a few really great friends. But also, if friends hook you up with someone, GO! Just get out. The point is...give it a chance, don't judge based on 3 or 4 bad dates. If you don't want to-stop bitching about being single. Suck it up, make your dog your beneficiary and stay in the basement for all I care...hey-less competition for me.

3. Keep busy. The more you get out, the more you are able to meet people. In meeting these said 'people', the more you get invited to do things (parties, hikes, boating, golf, etc.). The more you get invited to do things, the more people you meet. The more people you meet doing things you like, the better your chances are at meeting someone who likes doing things you like too. Bars don't count. Anyone can go to a bar, meet someone, spend a hot sweaty hour against a dumpster in an alley and think they've met the 'one' because you're the only one who's ever contracted this rare type of STD from him...it MUST be fate.

4. Take care of yourself. Go to the gym! Trust in hygiene...I promise good things will abound (guys-manscaping is a beautiful concept). Personally, I shave my legs EVERY DAY. Helps with the whole 'feeling good about myself thing'.Plus you never know, right? ;) The better care you take of yourself, the more people will notice that you care about things. If you care, it shows. Hell, recycle if that's what it takes. No one is going to judge you harshly for taking care of the planet.

5. Set the biological clock to 'snooze'. Let's talk babies... If you want kids that badly, you'll find a different way than to trap some poor schmuck into a relationship that neither of you will be happy in. With this said, do not, I repeat-DO NOT marry someone just because you are pregnant. It's just not worth it...I promise. You ARE strong enough to do it on your own if he's not 'the one'...again, I promise. I wear a ring every day that says 'all the strength you need is inside you.' DON'T FORGET THIS!

Plus, there are other options...but I'll leave that for another post (a more controversial, I assume, post).

There shouldn't be a time clock on relationships. You want to make sure you are with someone for the right reasons. Those reasons vary depending on the kind of person you are but basically, the right person will compliment you, as in how black clothing compliments most body types.

Do NOT pressure. Period. Guys HATE this. Girls hate this too but we have the worst habits of trying to rush things. My point is...there's no reason to be in a relationship with someone just for the sake of saying 'I have a boyfriend'. Being with someone shouldn't define you.

Someone recently told me this: I want to be with someone that I am trying to find reasons to leave rather than searching for reasons to stay in the relationship.

This is helpful if those reasons to leave are hard to find...but by all means, don't make up reasons to leave. Give things a chance (at least for a while). No rush, right?

Station Nation Eight - Hamsters & other scary things

Remember how I told you guys I was going to do a podcast with a few other people from the Morphine Nation staff? Well...IT FINALLY GOT POSTED!

PS-NSFW ... probably...unless you work in an adult book store or the senate...then you're ok.

LINK!!!!!!

Also...more fun news coming next week!!!

Hairline fractures in the GIRL CODE

You've heard it whispered among your girlfriends and sisters. You've probably felt some of the aftershocks when the trembling reverberations have lessened. You've even been the unwilling participant in some sort of 'lesson learned' regarding the code itself. What am I talking about? the much talked about but rarely written down: GIRL CODE.

It's a code that exists among girls to help us exist WITH other girls without fatally wounding each other with our sometimes Wolverine-esque fingernails and diva personalities.
The code is supposed to help us with a realm of things such as dating/relationships, fashion and social faux pauxs. It has helped many girls not be ostracized by her own gender for situations that are completely controlled within the code.

...and it has cracks.

With this said, I expect to have support from you guys because I'll be shunned and I'll be ousted and I'll be bullied and teased beyond what is clinically acceptable for normal behavior. But still I bring it to you today. The girl code...and how to crack it.

1) If you change boyfriends so fast they rarely achieve name status, a man must be around for at least six weeks before you make your friends bother to learn his first name. Until such time, he should be referred to as "The boy" or "That guy". - Yes. For the love of God. Yes. This one is self explanatory. I'm sure guys have some sort of 'rule' against this also. Plus...it's just unnecessary to do so until you know that this person is A. worth keeping around or B. wants to stick around. I have made this mistake many times...it's just confusing, let alone embarrassing when your friends are always saying 'Wait...what happened to so-and-so? And who is this guy now?'
2) All girls must have a "Mr.Right Now". This is the guy friend who is always ready and available to hang out with you, and may or may not like you as more than a friend. He is always ready to party till dawn, and do things you wish you didn't remember in the morning. He's not “Mr. Right,” but he may be good enough to be “Mr. Right Now.” - Duh. But...to take advantage of this is just cruel. At least offer to give him a decent blow job once in a while.

3) If you just met a guy and know absolutely nothing about him, but need to refer to him during 'girl talk' you use one example of who he is, something he has, or what he does, and he becomes... that guy. (Ex. "The Camaro guy", "The Trainer dude", "The Four a.m. in the Taxi Guy") - Come on...you can't say that you guys haven't done this too. Girl with the really large tits and leopard thong. Girl with nose ring and strawberry tattoo on her inner thigh.
4) Every girl must wait at least a day and a half before calling a guy whose number she has retrieved. - Fuck this. Call him when you feel like it. Call him, find out sooner than later whether or not he's a douche bag-why waste time on guys who aren't worth it? If he is...then you've just saved a day and a half of stress.

5) You are never in any case to date a friends ex or a guy who she was really into. Exception: If he's one of those guys who every girl likes. - This one is touchy. Very few have been able to cross this line. Personally, I wouldn't like this situation on either side (and I've been on the wrong side at least once.) I guess it can be done...you just need to make sure that the situation surrounding it is PERFECT. How do you get perfect? The ex needs to not be a 'fling' to you, but someone of genuine interest. The friend needs to be married or engaged to the 'man of her dreams'.
6) You are to never diss a friends boyfriend except to agree lightly or nod when she says he's being a asshole. In most cases it is easier to nod. Exception: If a guy cheated or dumped your friend is is exceptional for you to claim he isn't good enough, and that she deserves better as well as reminding her that he was an asshole anyway. - This is one reason I hate the girl code. I'm a huge advocate of being honest about guys. If he's a douche, tell her he's a douche. If he dumped her for good reason (ie. he wasn't 'into' the relationship, he wasn't in love with her, he isn't in the same place in life as she)-he's not an asshole, he's saving her the heartache of wasting her time and, in reality, she'll thank him later.
7) If you want to date a friend's brother it is required that you get said friends permission. - Not necessary. I have brothers. If my friends wanted to date them (before they were married, that is), I'd be ok with that. I don't 'own' my brothers. We're all adults here-we can get through this.

8) No girl is to ever hang out with the boyfriend of a friend without the friend present. If permission to do so is granted there should be at least 3 other people with you. - Who made up this fucking point? While I somewhat agree with the 'don't hang out with a friend's bf bit' (but only because it causes undue stress on your friend), why 3 other people? Girls make up shit. This is a prime example of said 'shit'...there's no reasoning.
9) No girl may have more than one 'Love of her Life' at one time, though having a boyfriend and a 'Love of her Life' is fine. - WTF? Isn't the 'love of your life' thing supposed to be sacred for, I don't know, the ACTUAL FUCKING LOVE OF YOUR LIFE? Sometimes I wonder if a 17 year old girl who's a week from her menstrual cycle and just broke up with her boyfriend of 2 weeks because he cheated on her with her best friend of the week (not by actual cheating BTW-by him buying her a frappaccino due to the fact that he works at the coffee stand and gets them free anyway and he was actually trying to make nice with her so that 17 year old menstruating girlfriend would be impressed) wrote this crap... Just do us all a favor, don't admit to 'love of your life' until you have a rock and a piece of paper to prove it.

10) No girl shall wear the same outfit or perfume as a friend is if they will knowingly be in the same place. - This one = also crap. If I love my friend's perfumes, they're always game for telling me what it is, where to buy it, how much it is...short of driving me there themselves. I smell immaturity in this code.

11) No girl shall purchase a distinctive item of clothing which she is aware her friend owns without express permission from the friend. - See above comment and stop being such a whiney little bitch.

12) No girl shall borrow an item of clothing without asking the clothing owner's permission, unless both parties have made an official decision to waive this rule in the context of their friendship. - Ok this one is golden...plus who would do that anyway? I'd say if you had a friend that did this to you, she's inconsiderate and selfish and therefore, not really friendship material.

13) An eye for an eye and a foot for a foot. If a friend borrows an item of clothing and destroys it, said friend must re-pay it. - True. But a friend who wouldn't offer...isn't a friend.
14) The penalty for exposing a secret to an unauthorized party shall be exile from Girlville. - Fuck. Oh yeah...I don't care. Fuck Girlville anyway-your rules are f-ing crazy.
15) A girl who can substantially claim that she was not aware that a piece of information was a secret at the time she exposed it shall not be subject to punishment. - I'm screwed...will you at least use lube?

16) Inside jokes are not to be explained to outsiders. - Unless outsiders include the 2 'loves of your life', your really hot boss, the guy you flirted with at the car wash to get him to detail your car or your brother so that he's able to understand the girl he's trying to hook up with.

17) Always leave a man wanting more but don't leave him guessing too long since guys do not take hints easily. - And guys suffer from a cross between ADD and early onset Alzheimer's. But, definitely...leave them guessing...why take all the fun out of the game? ;)
18) If a guy your friend is into asks for your number, you are to deny it and walk away, and/or slip him your friends number while saying, "I think she is more your type, you should call her". - This is a good one. Do this and save yourself the trouble.

19) Chicks before Dicks. Simple. - To a degree. You've heard the Bros before Hos thing, right? Same concept...the stipulation? Serious relationships. For example, if you are planning on marrying a guy or ARE married-you have a responsibility to that other person that even a girl code shouldn't interfere with. Make your decisions wisely.

20) In a case where a friend spreads a horrible rumor about a friend, and then apologizes they are to be given the cold-shoulder for at least 3 days. - Again...stupid rules of nonsense. Can we at least PRETEND we aren't all stark raving mad bitches with useless hoops to jump through? I mean...come on...
21) In a fight between a friend and her boyfriend you must always choose your friends side. - Again...be honest. If your friend was in the wrong...tell her she was in the wrong. Didn't we all see 'Yes Man'? Didn't we learn a lesson that being so ALSO led to trouble? I promise you, if she's a mature and sane individual who plans on still being with her boyfriend, she'll appreciate your candor.

22) When dating-a girl should find equal and/or enough time to still hang out with her girls. - At least in the beginning. We all know that as serious relationships progress, less time with the girls is bound to happen. This doesn't mean the girl wants to be less of a friend to other girls, it's just that she's moving forward with the natural progression in life...dating.marriage.babies.death. Leave her be and stop being so fucking jealous-green doesn't look good on you.
23) Never insult your friend but never let your friend leave the house looking hideous. Find a better way to tell your friend how they look. - Nice. Please do this. Please do this to ME! I'd love if one of my friend was like 'SF-you look like you got run over by a train full of ducks that laid eggs on your head and feathered your shirt.' I would appreciate walking out the door not looking like a coke fiend living on the street. Help the less fortunate with their style faux pas.
24) When a friend is drunk, never allow her to dial, drive or leave with a random guy. - Please, please, please do this for me too. Especially the last one...and even if 'random guy' is an ex boyfriend who has 'changed'...I'll be hating life tomorrow...my girlfriends, of all people, already know this (from previous experiences).

25) When a friend calls you up complaining about how she is drunk and can't go home you must allow her to stay at your house, without letting your parentals (if you live with them) find out. - What did I say earlier about who wrote the girl code? Score for Seattle on this one. I'd like to thank all those who believed in me.

26) When out with the ladies, if Girl #1 points out a guy that she is interested in, Girl #2 should avoid making a bee-line over to him to get his number for herself. Show some respect. - Wait...what? This bitch...IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. It's ok to shove her face into the next bar you see but be careful not to get blood on your Manolos.
27) When said evening is described as a "Girls’ Night Out" that means it is for GIRLS ONLY. Consider it payback for all those tree houses and snow forts we couldn’t enter as children. Do not invite your boyfriend. - Honor the code on this one girls. Plus...he needs a night without you and your fucking crazy code too.

28) Stop being the "Me too!" girl If your friend is telling a story, stop stealing her thunder – and her story – by constantly trying to one-up her. - Hmmm...Is this a HUGE issue? Talk about petty. Are we now making up shit to fill up the pages in the girl code book?

29) Be a responsible friend and not a 'Yes-Girl'. If a friend is asking you if she should get back together with her ex who cheated on her, never wanted to hang out with her and than blamed her for them breaking up, and you say 'Yes', then you're a bad friend. Friends are supposed to protect and help friends. So say your part even if they don't like what you have to say. - Ah...yes and now we're repeating shit to fill up space.

30) Don't be a hater. If a girl walks in looking gorgeous, girls automatically try to find something bad about her. But who knows? She could have just lost a friend, or got dumped, etc. So be nice and stop hating. - Yeah bitches! Stop hating me! Maybe I'm just naturally beautiful and talented and can't really help that all guys flock to my grace and mystery! (as I stumble across the room and hit my head on a stool on my way to the floor because I've just tripped on my cherished platforms because I was flipping my hair so scandalously to grab attention)...

31) Don't go against the Girl Code. - OR BE SHUNNED!

Source.