I've been thinking of taking over the world lately, you know, because I recently realized that I'm invincible. Or...it may have something to do with the female Captain America Halloween costume I just ordered.
Which got me thinking about the opposite of CA.
If I were evil ...
1. All caffeinated drinks would be illegal.
2. Coffee (decaf, of course) is required to be cold.
3. No such thing as paid vacation, sick leave, maternity leave or the FMLA. If you don't show up-you're fired 'The Apprentice' Style by Trump, himself.
4. All meetings will be scheduled for 4:30 PM on Fridays and last, at least 2 hours tops (even if 'fillers' are needed to make this happen-think any meeting on The Office).
5. Schwarzenegger would be my second in command and he is required to make a 45 minute speech on all stations daily during prime time...no channel is excluded.
6. New motto on our money: In God We Trust...Fo shizzle.
7. It is mandatory that the DMV actually weigh you at the time of licensing or renewing.
8. Upon entering college, you are required to take a test like they do in gradeschool that shows what jobs you may be 'talented' in. You are then REQUIRED by law to get education for and have a career in one of those professions (this will cut down on all the 'hope' that people have that they can overcome obstacles, etc.) or work in a daycare. Either way…it will most likely be the worst job ever.
9. A requirement to break out into a song and dance routine every other day at 1 PM will be enforced by area school glee clubs.
10. No cheerleaders, strippers (exotic dancers) or fashion shows.
10. No cheerleaders, strippers (exotic dancers) or fashion shows...it needed to be said twice.
11. Mere commonfolk (ie. anyone but me and my peeps) would only have access to domestic, highly commercialized beer (ie: Coors, Bud, Miller or anything ending in ‘light’) and wine and no hard A.
12. Every company you call will send you through to an automated line and every button you push will just put you deeper into the abyss of computer-generated voices. If you ever do happen to talk to a representative, they will sound like any person you’d ever talk to at Dell or Dell Financial Services (they will never note anything in your account, will not apply payments correctly and charge you undue finance charges in excessive amounts, will not take responsibility for their mistakes, will NOT speak English fluently, will ask you if you restarted your computer 6 times before they actually try something different and will not be wrong…even if they are).
13. Birth control and drug tests would be required to receive any sort of welfare (can’t decide if being evil to the needy or being responsible is actually the evil part).
The breakage of any of these rules/laws will result in any of the following:
-A specified amount of time forced watching either The Golden Girls reruns or The Simple Life.
-Gilbert Gottfried would follow you around all day repeating your every word...to everyone until either: you have a mental breakdown or everyone else starts to sound like him.
-You'd be required to rewrite the actual Constitution of the United States in lolspeak and then explain it to your relatives over the age of 55 until they are fluent enough to post their own lolcatz on the internets.
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