You know what sex leads to, right?

Well...preferably more sex but...more importantly (at least for this piece)...better sperm!

Having some trouble with your damaged sperm? Well, you're in luck! I have a solution!

Have more sex!

You don't have to explain the reasons to me but in case YOU wondered...

According to the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology in Amsterdam, a new study shows that having more sex will reduce the amount of DNA-damaged sperm.

I love when things go my way... But, in reality, it's obvious. The more quickly you 'release' the damaged sperm, the more quickly better quality sperm can be produced.

To the infertile, this research is promising but still doesn't prove that men will be more fertile and result in more babies being born. Ongoing studies are researching the more sex vs. more babies issue.

Which, leads me to question...what? Do we seriously need a study for this? Ummm...yeah. More unprotected sex with undamaged = more children. Duh. And I don't even have a doctoral degree!

But I digress... I'll focus on this part of the article:

Bill Ledger (a professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Sheffield) said instructing couples with infertility problems to have more sex could stress their relationship. "This may add even more anxiety and do more harm than good," he said.

And here I ask again-what? How do people come up with this stuff? Sex = more anxiety? I thought that one of the main reasons a guy 'needs' sex is the whole 'stress release' bit?

I wonder if these authority figures in our medical community even think about what they are saying before they open their mouths?

In fact, I found another article from MSNBC last year about a research study by James Coan, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, that shows the exact opposite! And!!! It can help with a bunch of other medical issues too such as a correlation to healing faster, getting sick less often and living longer.

Good relationships offset tension in daily life. Anxiety spikes blood pressure, which hobbles the immune system. But when you have sex, you release feel-good hormones, including oxytocin and endorphins. Eventually, you begin to associate your partner with those positive feelings, and he becomes someone you trust to be your soother during tough times.

Now, as your resident sexologist, I say...get to it! Spread the love! ;)

Source.

Source 2.

How not to pick a fugly hybrid.

We're a long way from the GM EV1 nowadays, aren't we? But personally, even if I had the chance to buy one before GM 'crushed' my chances, I wouldn't have. It looked too much like the Geo Storm for me to appreciate.

I'm all about doing my part in minimizing my carbon footprint and reducing emissions but, now that I have options, I won't be buying a car with no resale value due to ugliness. And now you're lucky because I'm going to help YOU pick a car based sole-y on attractiveness (that's also good for the environment)! I'm also going to mention that all of the cars I'll list (fugly or not) are REASONABLY priced...nothing over 30K.

Everyone has felt the economic crunch in some way, shape or form lately (unless you live under a rock in a cave) so we're all budgeting a lot more consciously...but we're on an upswing and credit restrictions are loosening (so I hear). And do you know what that means?! Soon there will be a burst of money spent on luxury items that we've been contemplating these long months...including cars. What with gas prices and all (especially this time of year), lots more people will be looking to our choices in hybrids. Let me help you not make bad choices with this purchase (from a girl who knows nothing about cars but that it had better have a mirror in the sunshade on the passenger side).

First a few 'do not buy!'s:
Kia Soul

Don't do it. Even their website says 'Good cookie. Cutter, bad'. Shouldn't that say it all? It probably gives you good gas mileage (of course, it's a Kia right?) but unless you like to be ridiculed by your friends for being the schmuck that got talked into this car by the best salesman ever--don't do it. Personally, I point out to ugly cars and state out loud to any passengers I have "Damn, that's a fucking ugly car. I bet he/she never gets laid." You would be the person I am talking about. Scion XD

I fucking hate Scion. It's the car brand that took over Kia for being shitty. My best friend has a Scion and she regretted the decision almost immediately (for more than just because I made fun of her based on the looks-factor). As with the Scion XB, Kia Soul and Honda Element-if I wanted to drive around in a box , I'd apply to UPS and get paid for it! All of the above cars should be mocked at every chance you get. (Side note: they even NAMED one of their cars the eBox!). That should explain it all. Chevrolet Aveo

I'll give this one props for being, quite possibly, the cheapest car on the market and I'd have to also admit that my very sweet neighbors actually own one but...the car is fucking ugly. It's a Metro...remodeled. Enough said. Toyota Yaris

Really? Come on Toyota! You've done better... What the fuck is this? It's an oversized pug (and we all know that pugs are the ugliest dogs on the planet). The cool blue HID headlights don't even help the 'coolness' factor on this one. Of course, you'll be able to fit into small parking spots but, as I'll explain later in this post, you have other options that won't result in someone tagging your car 'POS'. *hides can of spray paint* Nissan Versa

If you're going to buy a car that looks like the above, just buy a Honda Fit instead. It's a much better brand and you won't have to put thousands of dollars into it to look cool. The Versa is just bland. I don't have much to say other than if you buy this car...you are vanilla. No one likes vanilla.

Ok, well I couldn't find any other hybrids that made me want to vomit uncontrollably (a few concepts...but we'll get to those later) so I'll move on to the sweet hybrids you could possibly get laid for owning! Mercury Milan or Ford Fusion

Who are we kidding, it's the same car. But...look at that! A car I would (and have) drive and not look like I was trying too hard to look cool! And I always drive it like I mean it. ;) Honda Fit

I have a friend who has one and it's freakin' awesome! It's amazing how many times you can use the phrase (when looking for a parking spot in Seattle) "No worries, it'll Fit" and still find it funny. Per my friend-"Who says you can't get pulled over in a Fit?!" 76 in a 60 and no ticket...Nice work! Mercury Mariner

I love this car. I'm fairly partial to it because my brother owns one and doesn't look like a douche doing so. It's got lots of room (for a smaller SUV) and does pretty decent mileage on the highway. If you're going the SUV route (even though it's domestic), I'd have to give this one a few upvotes. Mini Cooper

Who doesn't love the mini? I've been in love with these since I first saw The Italian Job. If you are thinking 'this car wouldn't be big enough'...I can guarantee-you are incorrect! I have a friend that is upwards of the 6' mark (ok, he's 7' tall) and he fits perfectly in this car! It's crazy cute and there's a huge 'community' of mini-lovers - you won't ever feel alone.

Now the fun part...bashing the concept cars:

Toyota A-BAT Concept Hybrid Pickup

It's a good thing that this is JUST A CONCEPT...so far. What the fuck? Is it an El Camino? Is it a truck? There's too much going on for this to even be considered a truck. Aren't trucks supposed to have a bed? Oh wait...is that what that 2.5 feet of dead space in the back is? Oh...dude...my bad. It totally....FUCKING SUCKS! Toyota Hybrid X

What did we do to the Japanese to piss them off? Oh yeah...the atomic bomb...right. Mercy! Mercy! We give! Seriously...make it stop! Volkswagen up!

I usually like VW...what the hell is happening here? Are they trying to compete with the SmartCar? If so...try again. But...you know what? I think the exclamation point in the name of the car is bringing me around....*sarcasm

Ok, that's enough for today boys and girls. If you need any more help, I'm always ready and willing. ;)

Happy shopping!

Women's rules for dating...are crap.

I've been in conversations with guys before who are always surprised to hear that women have all these little 'rules' that we (supposedly) abide by when entering into a 'dating' relationship with them. It's true...if you're a girl and don't like it-you're in denial. If you're a guy and don't like it-you are part of the majority.

With that said, I'd personally like to think that my gender isn't as cold and callous (let alone stupid) as this website I found would like to think we are. Dating rules for women, right? Ok, well I agree that there should be some sort of 'rules' in a way (especially for first dates or meeting your kids/friends) but most of these 'rules' made me want to vomit.

* Let your man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab. - What is this? The 50's? Since when do we need to be proven that we're worth it by buying us dinner?
* Ensure you receive flowers. If he doesn't know what a florist is, dump him. - Dump him? That's kinda fucking harsh don't you think? I've dating lots of great guys who didn't send me flowers (Oh...fuck...*light goes on).
* Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything. - Psshht! How early is early? I mean first date can be considered early but...then again the standard 'third date' also seems a bit early too, doesn't it? I say just go for it if you feel it. If it doesn't pan out it may be because of 1. you lacked sexual prowess in bed (which, he would've found out anyway) or 2. you just weren't interesting enough in general to keep his attention (find a hobby).
* Always keep a guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a lady's perogative. - What. The. Fuck? Are we seriously going to play this game? Be on time-save yourself the hassle of being considered a snobby 'princess'...plus you're giving all us normal girls a bad rep.
* Never be available when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying. - Or...kiss him goodbye. Guys (I've learned) don't generally like to work too hard for something they are unsure of. Answer your fucking phone and say yes if he asks you out again. Fucking with the minds of guys is generally not a good idea unless you like being single.
* If he is available Tuesday, you are available Thursday. - If you are available Tuesday - SEE HIM TUESDAY! Don't play with him...it's just not nice.
* Weekend shopping trips with girlfriends are sacred and not available for dates. - Ok, I'll give this one to us. If you've already made plans with your girlfriends - keep them. Girls also don't like to be ditched for guys...it might be worse than vice versa. Believe you me. Plus, having girlfriends is very, VERY important. Make sure you don't lose these friendships when you start seriously dating.
* Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly. - Don't do this. Unless you're willing to keep it up for the rest of your life (if need be). Otherwise, he'll find out that you're a fraud anyway and it's just too much work. Just be yourself and be honest.
* Ensure you are a good kisser. Men will walk away if you cannot kiss. Practice on a mirror if you have to. - A mirror? Are we in the 5th grade? Practice on real people...it works best. Plus, being a bad kisser won't always make them walk away...if you give a bad blow job or none at all-they're history. Try zucchini for practice (try not to peel the skin with your teeth).
* Never ever talk about previous boyfriends, particularly their prowess in the bedroom. Your ex-boyfriends are your business only. - This is KEY actually. Personally, I like to go into relationships just assuming that we are each other's first (the whole 'innocent til proven guilty' thing). And NOONE wants to hear about previous sexual experiences...good or bad.
* Never assume anything about your date until you choose to know him better. You cannot always tell by looking. - Ditto for us guys.
* If any man shows the slightest signs of possessiveness or insecurity, run like the wind. Life is too short for boys. - This is a good point actually. At a certain age jealousy and insecurities are drama that we could live without.
* If his shoes or hygiene are a disgrace, dump him. - Shoes? Really? What happened to 'Never assume anything about your date until you choose to know him better.' Didn't we just cover that? The hygiene thing I understand but...you should know that much, at least, before you go out with him.
* Never talk too much about your father and how your date measures up in comparison. - HAHHAAHAH Has this ever turned out well? I mean...seriously? My dad is a stubborn old farmer...unless I'm dating his friends, I don't really see how there's even a comparison to base this on?
* Never ever come across as too available or too desperate. He will run a mile. He is the one doing the chasing. - Ok, good point but I'm only keeping it because of the next one...
* If the guy in the corner is gorgeous, go get him and create the need in him for you. Never wait for men to come to you because you may watch him leave with someone else. - What happened to 'He is the one doing the chasing.' Can we BE more confusing? Oh wait...the whole 'changing landmarks' thing. I get it. Fuck...I'm a girl and I don't even blame you guys for dating us.
* You may well have all the bodily functions of a man, just try not to demonstrate them early on. - HA! This is great!
* If you want a child, don't mention it on the first few dates. - "...my biological clock says I need to stop having babies at 35 so I only have 4 more years to make the 2 children that US consensus states is typical. So, what do you think? This dating thing should take 6 months or so, right? Then the typical 1 year engagement. Then I wouldn't want to have babies in our first year of marriage. Then the pesky 'trying' period. Then 9 months afterwards. That's already 3 years so then we'd only have about 6 months or so until we'd need to produce another. Can I pencil you in or not?"

And just when you thought that we couldn't get more ridiculous-they added 'online' dating rules:

* Post the best and most vampish photo you can find. - Don't post pics that are more than 6 months old...no matter how 'vampish'. Plus the point is for them to see you as you, right? Post pics that are 'you'...in all your glory. The right guy will bite.
* Don't reply to instant messages with clever opening lines. - Always do this! ...otherwise, you'll get lost in the 'sea' of faces. Keep his interest. Show him how smart/witty/funny you actually are. Sheesh!
* Never provide your real email or phone details. - Not right away at least. Make sure you have a 'junk' email account that you give out to people until you render them safe.
* Always date safely and protect yourself at every turn. - Does this really need to be listed? No shit. Actually I thought I'd email the guy with no pic who listed 'gun-cleaning' on his hobbies list and give him my home address while mentioning that my roommate is gone for the weekend.
* Make sure your login name is stunning and sexy, as well as enigmatic. - But don't, DON'T under any circumstances be clever in your opening lines of IM. I fucking hate contradiction.
* Do not login for hours on end. Short, rapid visits are best. - Is there a reason for this? Who the fuck even cares? Maybe I just left my browser open...
* Do not assume the person you are talking to is destitute or sad. - Again with the 'do not assume'...this is VERY important. People have layers.
* Never ever reply to emails on weekends. Wait until a weekday. - Why not? If I have a minute or 2 on a Saturday morning or Sunday night, I'm going to reply...unless you give me a GREAT reason as to why this would help my dating life.
* Never state how good your sexual performance is in your profile. - Actually guys have a tendency to bring this one up too soon...we don't want to hear it right away UNLESS we've specifically stated that it is ALL we are looking for...then it's fair game for all.
* If you don't want to date married men, spell it out in your profile. - Don't stray from it either. If a guy says 'I'm separated'...he's still fucking married. Don't do it unless you like hearing the 'I'm going to divorce my wife for you' bit and like to get your heart broken. This sucks...just don't.
* A man who doesn't reply to your email within 3 days should be ignored. - What? The guy can't have a job? Go on vacation? Attend a funeral in a different state? What happened to 'don't assume'?
* Make sure your humor levels come across in text. - What? I thought I couldn't be clever? Fuck...now I'm confused again...
* Do not chat to hundreds of men at once. The delay in replying is a dead giveaway and your Mr. Right will be off. - Disagreed! Hundreds=prob not a good idea but several-YES! Just don't rule out options until you know for sure you have a keeper.
* Don't even think about misrepresenting your size or description. They will find out. - HAHAHHAHA I've heard this so many times I feel sick thinking about it. If you're blonde (I mean haircolor), say 'blonde'. If you are 300 lbs, you aren't 'curvy'. If you truly want to meet someone, it's always best to be honest. "I'm a 31 year old woman with curly brunette hair, hazel/green eyes and am a size 36B." Happy?
* Come across as cool and sophisticated for best results. - Just fucking be yourself. If you're a slightly nerdy, balance challenged (klutzy) Midwest girl who knows way too much about computers or video games...be that girl for best results.

My Media Player, Vol X

I want to start out by apologizing for no Media Player last week (which means, you can stop rejoicing now-I haven't decided to scrap the idea). I was busy...uber busy! And just so you all know - I am handling the start of my FREE summer just dandy, thank you.
And no, this is not the summer I admit to alcoholism.

Strung Out - Twisted by Design
Myspace.
Now you are all going to think I've lost it but I actually ran across this band on a motorcross video, On the Pipe 3. You all want to think I've lost it, right? While I've never actually ridden a dirt bike, I can appreciate the hype...especially to someone with a death wish. In any case, the music was awesome and pumped me up to the action in the film. It's definitely punk. Enjoy. Kate Voegele - A Fine Mess
Website.
Again with the One Tree Hill? Yes. You love it...STFU. Kate actually is a singer who turned actress for her part on OTH but hasn't let her singing suffer in the meantime. I've been waiting for the release of this album to show you. How nice am I? ;) Incubus - Monuments and Melodies
Website.
I realized recently that I've never included one of my favorite bands of ALL time! Incubus! They've recently released this 2 disc album of their greatest hits and, I gotta say, I almost orgasm-ed when I found out. Seriously, I did!

…and then Buffy staked Edward. The End.

To start this piece, I should go ahead and admit that I’ve read all 4 Twilight books (the last book, being 700+ pages, in about 2.5 days). I’ll even admit that I liked the books enough…even though I’m not a 14 y.0. girl.

And, yes, I am intrigued by the idea of ‘vampires’ but no, I don’t think they actually exist. I plead the 5th for any other comments.

Watching the Twilight movie though…made me want to commit suicide by /facepalm.

So you can imagine that if the beloved Buffy the Vampire Slayer came across the likes of Edward, it would, at least, be entertaining…

I came across this video remix of how it would be…I had to share:

Air Sex - Ham Grenade (Seattle competition)

You all saw my post last week about the Air Sex competition going on throughout the West Coast this past weekend. It seems that one of my close friends found his way onto the stage with his own rendition of how he performs in the sack...

Now I'm not sure if I should be impressed that he even included the fact that he's a proponent of condom use or worried about his premature ejaculation issues but I can tell you one thing: there's no faking when Ham Grenade goes off...

PS...HG-I can attest...you always deliver. ;)

Happy Father's Day!

While I know my dad doesn't actually read my blog (mostly because he thinks I'm a proper Midwest girl who happens to live in Seattle and reading this might actually give him a heart attack coupled with the fact that he just recently learned how to turn on a computer)-I'd still like to wish all the father's out there who do read a Happy Father's Day.
And on the off-chance that my dad unknowingly comes across this page in his search for new tractors or irrigation parts - I know I don't tell you enough but I love you and respect the man that you are. :)

Meet the Nation - Seattle Freeze

Make sure you check out my staff interview over at Morphine Nation. Basically, it's my introduction to the fans of MN (even though we all know I've been writing over there for weeks now)! Enjoy!

Happily Ever After?

I ran across a photography project that I found fairly interesting and maybe mostly because I'm a girl but partly because I'm a girl with some seriously jaded tendencies. The project by Dina Goldstein is about princesses. No, not the real-life ones that owe hundreds of thousands of dollars to boutiques in Paris...but the fairy tale kind.

It seems, contrary to popular belief, that fairy tales don't end at '...and then they lived happily ever after.' Of course that's not real life! The problem is that kids think (because that's what the books we read them say) that as soon as the princess finds a prince charming-they ride off into the sunset and done. The End.

But...what really happens:

Snow White and her Prince Charming take some queues from the rabbits that helped her clean the dwarves house and fuck like it's going out of style. Their 'castle' is soon filled with a bunch of spoiled brats that have a sense of entitlement that would make Paris Hilton jealous. Jasmine and Aladdin find themselves unhappily amid the war over oil. GWB makes sure that the beautiful castles in the sand are blown to bits in his search for WMD. Jasmine trains in only the best terrorist training camps and learns the correct way to wire a suicide bomb...but damn...she still looks good doing it. Cinderella soon finds herself the 'trophy' wife of a very powerful prince...a prince, whose duties to his 'kingdom' keep him on the road for months at a time. Since her servants now do all the tedious jobs she used to, she finds herself only finding solace at the bottom of a bottle of Jack. She comtemplates a life of her past with a twist...sex slavery isn't so bad, is it? Over the years Belle has discovered fine lines and graying roots...in her quest to keep the title 'Beauty' and also the beasts attention she spends most of her time under the knife. The Beast wants a house filled with hairy little feet but Belle, already discontent with her appearance, is unwilling to go through the pregnancy for fear of stretch marks. The Beast then finds a mistress on the side...rumors are that Ariel stops by to service his emotional and sexual needs on her way to visit her father, King Triton. Aurora never ages a day as this Sleeping Beauty's prince soon finds out. Unable to keep her awake due to her addiction to prescription sleeping pills, he dutifully keeps his 'happily ever after' promise to her by not straying. Of course, 50 years later, he's moved into an old folks home because they were never able to have children (without the fear it would be considered rape because she wasn't ever conscious) and his nephew ended up taking over the throne. In her hour of need, Rapunzel's prince left her for a woman with a short pixie cut (that bitch Tinkerbell, of course). Diagnosed early in their marriage with lymphoma, she now drives herself to her own chemo treatments and spends days at a time hooked up to IV's. Her only reprieve is the hope that soon they will pass a law in her country allowing assisted suicide. Red Riding Hood was part of a class action lawsuit against McDonald's for 'making her fat'. She won over 250,000.00 and proceeded to spend it buying burgers under the pseudonym, Ms. Wolfe. Her saving grace is that she started a cause called PAP (People Against PETA) emphasizing that the organization's beliefs are extremist and is lobbying with officials to be able to use wolf meat in the nations fast food restaurants. My point is that the story never really ends...there's always a detour, maybe a glimmer of light but mostly just real life. And we all know that real life doesn't always end at happily ever after.

The End...for now.

Air Sex Championship?!? I WIN!

You're thinking, "this is a joke, right?" No and fortunately for you-it might be cumming to a city near you!

Air sex is not unlike it's counterpart, air guitar, only...more seductive and no colored buttons or strings. It's a 'theatrical sexual performance with an imaginary partner.' It was invented by, none other than a group of lonely, oversexed Japanese men.

Yes, you can chalk this one up to the somewhat odd trends created by our friends in the East but...you have to admit, this one has some entertainment value, at least.

I think we all can say that we've done this before...alone. But, can you do it on a stage...with props...in front of a large group of people...and possibly win more than just the obvious prize?

VIMBY - Air Sex

The good news for the shy ones among us? You get to be fully clothed (if you want to)! Although this particular theatrical 'sport' isn't for the faint of heart, it should prove to be a lot of...information.

While most of the competitions on the East Coast are already over, this weekend the West Coast will get a piece of the action!

Now what we have to decide is: Stupid? or Erotically genius?

Source.

Source2.

The Ladder Theory - fails?

Maybe you've heard of the Ladder Theory, maybe you haven't.

The Ladder Theory is a 'scientific' explanation of how men and women are attracted to each other. But...that's not necessarily correct either because the author of the theory doesn't stray from one single fact: how men and women can never be 'just friends' if the man is attracted to the woman because he'll always want to have sex with her.

He starts off with the basic rating systems that men and women do when they first meet someone: women having a fairly large percentage based on the guy's money/power status and men focusing mostly on looks. The basic description of the theory is this:

A guy meets a girl and 'sizes her up' based on the above criteria and places her on his 'ladder'. He meets another girl...same thing and places her on the ladder also. The placings are based on his attraction to her and how much he'd like to 'hit it'. It's to be noted that all guys want to fuck all girls they are even slightly attracted to given the circumstances. The only difference lies in whether or not they'd admit to such after the fact (usually alcohol/drugs are a factor here). Women's placings are similar except that they have 2 ladders. One ladder is her 'friends' ladder. This ladder is exclusively for guys she meets/knows that she'd NEVER sleep with. The higher on the friends ladder though, the more intimate you'll be able to be with said girl WITHOUT sex. The 'real' ladder is the one that matters (at least, to guys). It's the ladder in which she uses the pie chart (above) to rate the guys she'd like to fuck. The higher the placement on the real ladder, the more she'd be willing to let him take her at any given moment. The point is that it's every guy's wish to make it to the real ladder of a girl he's attracted to.
The problem arises when a guy is placed on the friends ladder (usually unknowingly) and tries to make the jump to the real ladder. The theory states that the woman can either let him onto the real ladder or kick him off both (theory has it that being let onto the real ladder has never really happened and, I assume, only happens in sappy romantic comedies such as 'Made of Honor').
The ladder-jumper usually falls into the 'abyss'...no guy wants to fall into the abyss with a girl he'd actively like to fuck. Note that there are hidden variables in the theory such as religiosity, drunkenness, loyalty, desperation and sanity. Supposedly, they don't affect the rating systems, just the fundamentals of how we act in regard to the theory, itself. IE: religious people will still want to have sex with the other party but will deny said act.

I set out on a mission to debunk this theory written by what I (still) think is a guy who's probably been at the bottom of the women's friends ladder on many occasions. I read and reread the theory until I had it set in my mind that the author was probably drunk or stoned and probably a mutant basement-dweller that hates women. He makes a reference in the theory to 'female bitch'...which we all know is a derogatory term used against females and gay guys.
The fact that he specifically notes that ALL women give priority to guys that have fat wallets over the guys that are their 'cuddle-bitches' was enough to make me throw up. I mean, who the fuck does this guy think he is? Oh yeah...a guy living in his mom's basement.
His breakdown of the women's pie chart is absurd, right? I mean, don't normal guys have the same wants? Don't they want a woman who, at least, can take care of herself (meaning...have a job)? He assumes that all women are the same even stating in his theory that women will say "Well, I'm not the average woman because...blah...blah...not true...blah blah...my boyfriend/lover/husband/masseuse was poor...blah...blah" but still be lying (even to themselves) about this fact.

I was all set to go out and date as many basement-dwelling mutants as possible until I read the theory yet again and then...set out to interview my male 'friends'.

I talked to 4 of my guy friends knowing full well that at least 2 of them would fail me. I didn't realize though that ALL of them would...

The 2 that failed were simple-"Yes, Seattle, I would like to fuck you, I thought you'd never ask-can we do this now?"

Another one gave me this-"You are NOT the one girl who is attractive that I WOULDN'T like to have sex with. There is one girl (a girl I've met btw) who's LIKE a sister to me that, given the chance, would NEVER happen because we've known each other too long and I don't think of her that way."

And the one guy who I thought would never let me down (at least with this debunking) had this to say-"We're both adults...you want to hump every once in a while and I have a hot tub." Wait...what?

But, he also helped me understand some basic points: "...just because someone finds the other person attractive, doesn't mean they CAN'T be friends. They might want more out of the relationship on some level, but just because of that, it doesn't always hinder them from being good friends. Here's my point-just because a guy wants to have sex with a woman, doesn't mean he can't separate that from his friendship or lack of friendship with her. That's why a guy can be friends with a girl he wants to have sex with." Needless to say, this made me feel better.

And...leads me to believe that I could possibly have a few more 'friends with benefits' that I never knew about. ;) (More info on bene-friends in a later post).

What I'm saying is that I can probably prove that the author of the Ladder Theory is probably an egotistical nightmare to be around and totally wrong on some very important levels of what attracts women to men but his theory is generally sound.

Care to try?

PETA stinks up the fish market.

If you've ever been to Seattle, you know that there are a few places that are a 'must visit' before you leave: the Space Needle (duh.), the Fremont Troll (maybe just a personal favorite), various wine and beer tastings at the regions many wineries and breweries (we love our alcohol), Ride the Ducks (land to sea tour) and lastly, Pike Place Market. Pike Place is basically a huge farmer's market that's open year round and houses small restaurants, comic book shops, one of the few remaining head shops in Seattle, fresh produce/flower stands, a palm reader, the best donut hole stand in the world (personal favorite) and the very first Starbucks...along with about 450 other vendors.

Pike Place is also very well known for its fish mongerers and fish 'tossing'. Yep, you heard it right. There's even a book about it!!! When you buy fresh fish at certain stands in the market, they'll make a show of it, toss it around to each other and, eventually, TO YOU! It's fairly entertaining to watch actually.

To clarify though, the fish are dead so you're being tossed a dead fish that you intend to take home and eat. Got it?

Well...recently PETA has decided to focus on this petty activity by asking the American Veterinary Medical Association (that has a demonstration scheduled in Seattle's convention center next month) to show compassion and not use the fish throwers as their opening 'act' as a team-building experience for the convention. They stated that, "We think it sends a terrible message to the public when veterinarians call it fun to toss around the corpses of animals."

The letter also included a statement that "people who care about animals are appalled fish would be treated as toys."

Justin Hall, of the Pike Place Market had this to say about the fish toss: "workers there respect fish because it's their livelihood and they take pride in having the best seafood." SO BACK THE HELL OFF!

Here's the deal PETA...in case you hadn't noticed - THE FISH ARE FUCKING DEAD! Personally, being a resident here, I'm pretty pissed off that this is even an issue being that just a few months ago there were hundreds of puppies seized from puppy mills in the area and ... WHERE WERE YOU THEN?!? Almost 600 'designer dogs' were either taken to shelters (that were already overcrowded) or euthanized. That's not to mention the fact that because the dogs were part of ongoing investigation, they weren't even adoptable for months because they were considered 'evidence'.

Someone seriously needs to sit down with these people and help them figure out their fucking priorities.

Dead fish = not a priority.

Malnourished, abused puppies = a HUGE FUCKING PRIORITY.

Source.

Source2.

My Media Player, Vol IX

I'm late! Eeek!

Wow...that came out wrong...

Not my cycle, you crazies...I'm speaking of the Media Player. Wow...my followers suck. :P
Because I've been a slacker-whore lately, today's (late) Media Player is brought to you by my followers. Which, could be a happy reprieve for those of you who hate my music.

Mad Caddies - Keep It Going
Website.
This band leans heavily reggae so I know I have a few friends that would find it, at least, interesting. I played it for 2 days straight! Ok, that's because the volume was off but...I promise the actual sound is great too. Radiohead - In Rainbows.
Website.
Who doesn't like Radiohead? I've been told this album is the best one yet...although they do have a newer one... Although, a 'Best of' album is always gonna win. ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead - The Century of Self
Website.
I don't love this band. I'm not even sure I like this band. It's here because it was either list this band or owe 'special favors' to a girl. I made the right choice.
There is a lot of pounding on what I can only imagine is a very sad-looking guitar. Poor guitar...

Movie Review - Blindness

I've been pretty busy lately so here's a movie review done by one of my 'followers'. It's about the movie Blindness that came out last year. Reason for the late review? My protege recently watched it and it struck a nerve. Read more to find out more (Seattle Freeze comments in parenthesis):

A random guy is sitting in his car blocking some people therefore, annoying other drivers (I hate it when random guys sit in cars). Someone goes up to the car to see what his problem is only to find that he’s blind and (apparently) this has left him unable to think or do anything anymore (interject sarcasm in previous sentence). Another guy says he will drive the poor dumb guy home. What a good Samaritan (well, fuck it...just assume the whole review is sarcastic)... He takes him home and the blind guy explains that it is like looking through milk so his view is white instead of black. So the good Samaritan leaves the poor confused bastard and takes his car. Blind guy doesn’t seem to notice (cuz blind guy is...also a moron? or does he just want to turn it into insurance and get a better car? ...that a blind guy could use...yes? yes?).

Patient Zero’s (previously referred to as 'blind guy') wife takes him to an ophthalmologist. The doctor doesn’t know what the hell is going on...surprise, surprise. Then as you can imagine...more characters in the movie start going blind (delish! wonder what happens!? *sitting excitedly*). They soon figure out that maybe it’s an infection, like zombies, and decide to quarantine them. The actress, Julianne Moore, (god...I love her!) who plays the eye doctor's wife, decides to pretend to be blind to stay with him in quarantine (she hasn't been affected yet). So they get tossed (not unlike how I'm tossing chunks right now) in this hospital and have to figure out how to live without help from the outside. All they get from the outside is a bit of food (and smokes?).

More and more people get crowded in and they have to choose which ward they want to live in. BTW...after a while the place literally looks like shit. They have no clue how to survive, they can’t find the bathroom so people just shit and piss in the hall they are dirty, the one good thing about the movie was they actually looked gross and smelly (hmmm...I'm sorry, did you say 'good thing'?).

Anyway, while they are trying to figure out how to live, the wards become little countries with their leaders and of course, you have to have the evil ward that’s all men. Men are always the evil bastards...why is that exactly? (personally, evil women are much more threatening). Oh, and remember the good Samaritan and Patient Zero? Well Zero finally remembered his car was stolen, they recognized each others voices in the 'wards'. Zero was pissed about the car and the good Samaritan was pissed about catching the 'blindness' from Zero. So a scuffle ensued and the good Samaritan got his leg cut (I cut you, you thief, I cut you!). They tried to get the guards to give them medical supplies but the guards shot at them (yeah, that seems like the general response to a request for help). The guy later died dramatically (a good dramatic death scene is always key in these lame attempts at movies).

At some point the blind people were getting too close to the fence when new ones were being herded in and one of them wasn’t staying in line because they are just supposed to know where they’re going magically. (Magically! hahah Wait! This isn't Hogwart's!) The guards proceed to shoot them and several get killed (guards=love to shoot blind people).

We’re finally coming towards the end oh so slowly (too slowly if you ask me and I haven't even seen the movie) when their food begins to run low. They are trying to figure out how to ration when the evil ward, which has a gun now (by some magical, otherworldly means), decides to keep it and will ration it themselves.
Imagine idiot blind guy shooting, it’s quite funny (the most entertaining part?). Now we’re getting really dumb here, the evil ward wants “stuff” in exchange for food. What the hell do blind people locked in a hospital do with stuff exactly? (You know...stuff). Jewelry and other pointless crap? Then guess what?! They run out of crap to trade (previously referred to as 'stuff'), so what do they want now? A room full of horny gross blind guys? You guessed it! They want women. (To do 'stuff' with?) They are so hungry and stupid that some women decide to do it. Meanwhile, in one scene, Julianne Moore (eye doctor's wife) keeps eying a pair of sharp scissors. So they go to the evil blind guys and does Julianne Moore do anything to stop this? (because sex sells movies...duh). No, of course not why wouldn’t she want to go down on a extremely disgusting horrible little blind man (take back previous comment about loving Julianne Moore)? So they go through with the satisfying of the horny blind guys and one girl dies in the process (Wait...let me stop you here. I've never heard of death by blow job...not true). Then Julianne decides to do something about it and sneaks over there when another group of girls is doing their thing (ie...blow jobs?). She finally does something right (she swallowed?), then it’s war. A war between blind people! How hysterical!

Anyway, Julianne’s ward think they can finally overtake the one gun and the rest and gather a posse. Hehe, but someone else goes before them and sets the evil wards’ beds on fire. They all somehow get out of the hospital and find that no guards are there to stop them. BTW, she does finally tell her ward that she can see. So they go out in to the world in search of food (twinkies?).

And then the movie looks like “Dawn of the Dead” with people roaming around aimlessly and tripping over themselves with cars wrecked everywhere and the city looking totally trashed. Julianne and her husband leave their group to go find food. They find a supermarket and she goes in and finds the key to the storeroom and finds a crap load of food (is that the same as shit ton?). She loads up and heads back through the store. The crazed zombies/blind people smell the food and attack. But her blind husband saves her! Yay! Darn! So Julianne and the doctor invite their little band of freaks to live with them at their house and they get cleaned up and blah blah blah (the best part of the movie? blah, blah, blah?). One day Zero is sitting there and all of a sudden he can see! Yay! (insert unforeseen circumstances here). Maybe the rest will too now, magically (abracadabra! fuck...I think I just made a sequel). The last scene shows Julianne staring out at the city and looking up at the sky. It looks white and for a second thinks she’s going blind-she looks back down and oh, guess not… That was the end. (when? oh when can I have the last 8 minutes back???)

(Now the serious part. *giggle* Behave you stupid twits!) At first I thought, wow the people who made the movie really think the world would fall apart if everyone went blind. I find it hard to believe that could happen. But… maybe it would be the end. I guess it happened so fast that they couldn’t prepare people to survive. Julianne was actually feeding the doctor at one point-he gets frustrated and complains that she feeds, clothes and wipes his ass (Julianne Moore does this as a side job too). I found it amazing that he needed so much help. I mean haven’t you ever dressed in the dark? Plus since when do you need to actually look at your ass to wipe it? The people just behaved so stupidly in this movie that I found it irritating. Maybe if they hadn’t focused so much in the hospital and showed what was going on with the rest of the world it would have been better? (No). Maybe not. (Yes).
I guess if you think about it, our society depends on sight quite a bit. You have to see to drive, run a power plant, run a tractor to plow a field, walk in an unfamiliar place, shoot someone, fly a plane……(you don't need to see to shoot someone...just to shoot the person you intend to harm). It would put everyone on an even playing field too, you can’t really bomb someone if you can’t see them. I would feel sorry for the world if that happened, to a point. If you don’t have good enough instincts and common sense to survive then that’s your problem (and you're an idiot). I would be fine as I have a guide dog…(tis true...and he's a-fucking-dorable!) BTW I know plenty of blind people that can feed themselves, with forks even, (and sporks?), dress themselves and wipe their asses just fine.

To wrap up...Hollywood sometimes makes bad choices. As does Julianne Moore in choosing movie roles. The sad part...this movie won a few stupid awards...don't worry, they are nothing we've actually heard about and granted, it could have been up against some other equally stupid movies like Twilight, so can you say 'shoe in?'...I'm just sayin'...

Thanks Liverfire! Now put that stupid vampire book down and watch some more lame-ass movies to review for me! PS-we are now blacklisting Julianne Moore so keep it in mind when doing so.

Note to Julianne-*whisper* Find new manager! ASAP!

Synopsis, in case you couldn't read the whole review:

The dirt on Dubai.

When you think of Dubai, you think stunning skyscrapers, rich textiles, beautiful desert flora, flourishing economy, architectural innovation, a tax-free heaven and even majestic sandy beaches, right?

Well, why not? Magnificent buildings line the streets rising higher to the sky than any others in the world. Novel man-made residential islands sprout off the beaches adding to the idea that advancements in this part of the world hyper exceed that of even the most popular tourist traps. Included in the construction are a metro system and airport that will surpass even the largest in the world. Certainly not a country in the world can argue that Dubai literally exploded in the past 20 years from a desert to a city made of gold and fortune.

Dubai’s emanating wealth is that of the surprising financial genius of the Sheikh Mohammed, the ruler of Dubai. With his ingenuity and capital from the oil boom, he offered a city of leisure and financial services, tax-free. They came by the millions causing a construction frenzy to keep four steps ahead of the world in modernism and splendor.

As of the moment, there are more construction workers in Dubai than actual citizens…how so, you ask?

Slave labor. How did you think it was done? A stringent application process with a vengeful HR lady calling your references? Drug testing and probationary periods?

It’s not the term that is used, of course, in the ever prosperous state but facts are facts, right? The politically correct term (at least in affluent Dubai circles) would be the ‘foreign underclass’.

Remember that this isn’t a government with democratic law like ours. Or even a family-power that has the people’s welfare in their best interest…unless, of course, those people are spending hundreds and thousands of their earnings in Dubai’s vast malls, attractions, hotels and boutiques.

Hundreds of thousands of men who left their families in other countries came to Dubai with the promise of an earning potential that would keep their families at home off the streets only to find hell and entrapment.

Passports are taken from these men by the companies that hire them, only to be returned when the ‘fees’ for their travel to Dubai are paid off, which takes years because of the payout they receive. The payout? …is usually about less than a quarter of what was offered when they were safe at home in their own countries.

They live in squander: triple-decker bunk beds, no air conditioning, toilets that are nothing more than holes in the corner of the room of their concrete cells and that’s not even mentioning the ‘work’ they do!

Since the world’s economy has taken a turn for the worse, the electricity has been turned off in the camps they call ‘home’ and the workers haven’t been paid in months. Construction companies have disappeared along with the hope that they will ever be able to go home. How can you when you have nothing? Not even a passport. The only reprieve that these men seek now is sweet death. Suicides are common in the camps and construction sites but, according to human rights groups are widely accepted as ‘accidents’ among the construction community in Dubai.

They come to Dubai on the promise of wealth but are treated worse than a rancher here would treat his cattle. My question-how does this happen? How do we let this happen? Not as the U.S. but as human-kind? Is there really no regard for the life of another?

And...what can you do?

Source.

Source 2.

My Media Player Vol IX

It's hump day all! And you know what that means, right?!? Uh...no, we're not all getting laid...sheesh! Get your mind out of the gutter...
It's the day you all get to be graced with my music post! Ok, so some of you may argue that the word 'music' should be used loosely when I'm picking the bands but (again), it's my blog!
I'll make you a deal...email/msg/comment me a band and I'll post in on an upcoming Media player! No, I'm not getting lazy...just tired of everyone giving their 'opinion' that my musical taste lacks...well...taste. :P

The Submarines - Honeysuckle Weeks
Website.
One of my friends told me to listen to the song '1940' quite a while go and I really liked them. Funny thing is I was shuffling through post-its on my desk the other day and ran across the name again so here you are! He especially enjoyed the first line of 1940: 'Somethings wrong when you regret things that haven't happened yet'...so f-ing true! Cinder Road - Superhuman
Website.
Same post-it. Makes me think I should either clean my desk more at work... I Hate Kate - Embrace the Curse
Myspace.
Ditto on the post-it. Also I'd like you to know that I've now retired the post it...there was a whole retirement party and shit for it-if you missed it, you were lucky. And...yes, I've had too much coffee today. :P

And baby makes 6!

As of last night there's another new addition to my family! No, not my IMMEDIATE family silly! Seriously...was I pregnant anytime recently? (watch your answers here slackers!)

For those of you that are slow-learners...it wasn't me. My oldest brother and his wife welcomed their 4th child into the world last night.

Welcome to the world Julianna Lois! So sorry that you'll be living in Montana though-don't you worry, I'll start sending you out-of-state college apps in about 15 years. ;)

Wow...there's a plethora of girls in the Focken clan! 5 to 3 = good odds!

1 vs. 100 - XBox style!

Ok say what you will about XBox or XBox Live but I'll be the first to admit that MS doesn't fuck up everything...just their operating systems, traffic in the good old town of Redmond, WA, thousands of people's lives from losing their jobs and, of course, the social lives of anyone still working there.

I will say though...they may have done something right with the designing of the 1 vs. 100 XBox Live Arcade game that was released to the American public in BETA form last night. The game is based on the popular game show of the same name and works like this: One player is chosen at random to be "The One," and 100 more are selected for The MOB ("Mass of Bodies"). Everyone else is in the 'audience' but can still play along with the game.

Ok so, yeah, a lot of people were pissed that they set the cap at 50,000 people and remember IT'S STILL FUCKING BETA! There will be issues and I have no doubt that my good friend over at MS testing the game will be working late nights (unfortunately) blasting bugs so that YOU can experience the game in all it's glory.

Side note: the cap for participants will be removed for this Saturday's game...

It should count as something that people weren't ABLE to log on-the game obviously has enough hype to grasp interest. And who's going to complain that there's a possibility of winning tangible prizes!
So...unhook the IV, go get some sun this week and I'll see you on Saturday!

Personal note: the game test lead is a fuckin' uber pimp...not to mention hot & very smart...but the line forms behind me ladies. ;)

Morphine ...and then some

Who woulda thunk someone would read my blog?? Well, someone other than the 5 people I pay (checks are in the mail, I promise). ;)

Well, I must've been doing something right because it caught the attention of a bigger blog! I've been asked to be a staff writer for Morphine Nation. There's been a link to them on My Reading Material for a while now-it's good reading if you like that sort of thing. I'm guessing if you're still here-YOU DO! ;)

My writers profile (in the staff section) should show up by tomorrow and I plan on posting something asap! You're probably thinking 'great...now she can slack off even MORE at work!' Don't you worry about me-I'm a pro at multi-tasking...as well as other things. ;)

Make sure you read both my blogs though as they will probably be different content...but still the same SF-style. :)

This is an exciting opportunity for me and I hope you all will check it out.

I'll be posting on MN as Seattle Freeze also...Anyway, if you didn't catch the link above, here it is again: http://www.morphinenation.com/

PS-MN is also a blog of randomness, politically incorrectness and a plethora of generally fucked topics...not unlike this blog but maybe with a little more male influence. Enjoy!

Writers Block...

This counts as a blog...because I said so.