Women's rules for dating...are crap.

I've been in conversations with guys before who are always surprised to hear that women have all these little 'rules' that we (supposedly) abide by when entering into a 'dating' relationship with them. It's true...if you're a girl and don't like it-you're in denial. If you're a guy and don't like it-you are part of the majority.

With that said, I'd personally like to think that my gender isn't as cold and callous (let alone stupid) as this website I found would like to think we are. Dating rules for women, right? Ok, well I agree that there should be some sort of 'rules' in a way (especially for first dates or meeting your kids/friends) but most of these 'rules' made me want to vomit.

* Let your man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab. - What is this? The 50's? Since when do we need to be proven that we're worth it by buying us dinner?
* Ensure you receive flowers. If he doesn't know what a florist is, dump him. - Dump him? That's kinda fucking harsh don't you think? I've dating lots of great guys who didn't send me flowers (Oh...fuck...*light goes on).
* Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything. - Psshht! How early is early? I mean first date can be considered early but...then again the standard 'third date' also seems a bit early too, doesn't it? I say just go for it if you feel it. If it doesn't pan out it may be because of 1. you lacked sexual prowess in bed (which, he would've found out anyway) or 2. you just weren't interesting enough in general to keep his attention (find a hobby).
* Always keep a guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a lady's perogative. - What. The. Fuck? Are we seriously going to play this game? Be on time-save yourself the hassle of being considered a snobby 'princess'...plus you're giving all us normal girls a bad rep.
* Never be available when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying. - Or...kiss him goodbye. Guys (I've learned) don't generally like to work too hard for something they are unsure of. Answer your fucking phone and say yes if he asks you out again. Fucking with the minds of guys is generally not a good idea unless you like being single.
* If he is available Tuesday, you are available Thursday. - If you are available Tuesday - SEE HIM TUESDAY! Don't play with him...it's just not nice.
* Weekend shopping trips with girlfriends are sacred and not available for dates. - Ok, I'll give this one to us. If you've already made plans with your girlfriends - keep them. Girls also don't like to be ditched for guys...it might be worse than vice versa. Believe you me. Plus, having girlfriends is very, VERY important. Make sure you don't lose these friendships when you start seriously dating.
* Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly. - Don't do this. Unless you're willing to keep it up for the rest of your life (if need be). Otherwise, he'll find out that you're a fraud anyway and it's just too much work. Just be yourself and be honest.
* Ensure you are a good kisser. Men will walk away if you cannot kiss. Practice on a mirror if you have to. - A mirror? Are we in the 5th grade? Practice on real people...it works best. Plus, being a bad kisser won't always make them walk away...if you give a bad blow job or none at all-they're history. Try zucchini for practice (try not to peel the skin with your teeth).
* Never ever talk about previous boyfriends, particularly their prowess in the bedroom. Your ex-boyfriends are your business only. - This is KEY actually. Personally, I like to go into relationships just assuming that we are each other's first (the whole 'innocent til proven guilty' thing). And NOONE wants to hear about previous sexual experiences...good or bad.
* Never assume anything about your date until you choose to know him better. You cannot always tell by looking. - Ditto for us guys.
* If any man shows the slightest signs of possessiveness or insecurity, run like the wind. Life is too short for boys. - This is a good point actually. At a certain age jealousy and insecurities are drama that we could live without.
* If his shoes or hygiene are a disgrace, dump him. - Shoes? Really? What happened to 'Never assume anything about your date until you choose to know him better.' Didn't we just cover that? The hygiene thing I understand but...you should know that much, at least, before you go out with him.
* Never talk too much about your father and how your date measures up in comparison. - HAHHAAHAH Has this ever turned out well? I mean...seriously? My dad is a stubborn old farmer...unless I'm dating his friends, I don't really see how there's even a comparison to base this on?
* Never ever come across as too available or too desperate. He will run a mile. He is the one doing the chasing. - Ok, good point but I'm only keeping it because of the next one...
* If the guy in the corner is gorgeous, go get him and create the need in him for you. Never wait for men to come to you because you may watch him leave with someone else. - What happened to 'He is the one doing the chasing.' Can we BE more confusing? Oh wait...the whole 'changing landmarks' thing. I get it. Fuck...I'm a girl and I don't even blame you guys for dating us.
* You may well have all the bodily functions of a man, just try not to demonstrate them early on. - HA! This is great!
* If you want a child, don't mention it on the first few dates. - "...my biological clock says I need to stop having babies at 35 so I only have 4 more years to make the 2 children that US consensus states is typical. So, what do you think? This dating thing should take 6 months or so, right? Then the typical 1 year engagement. Then I wouldn't want to have babies in our first year of marriage. Then the pesky 'trying' period. Then 9 months afterwards. That's already 3 years so then we'd only have about 6 months or so until we'd need to produce another. Can I pencil you in or not?"

And just when you thought that we couldn't get more ridiculous-they added 'online' dating rules:

* Post the best and most vampish photo you can find. - Don't post pics that are more than 6 months old...no matter how 'vampish'. Plus the point is for them to see you as you, right? Post pics that are 'you'...in all your glory. The right guy will bite.
* Don't reply to instant messages with clever opening lines. - Always do this! ...otherwise, you'll get lost in the 'sea' of faces. Keep his interest. Show him how smart/witty/funny you actually are. Sheesh!
* Never provide your real email or phone details. - Not right away at least. Make sure you have a 'junk' email account that you give out to people until you render them safe.
* Always date safely and protect yourself at every turn. - Does this really need to be listed? No shit. Actually I thought I'd email the guy with no pic who listed 'gun-cleaning' on his hobbies list and give him my home address while mentioning that my roommate is gone for the weekend.
* Make sure your login name is stunning and sexy, as well as enigmatic. - But don't, DON'T under any circumstances be clever in your opening lines of IM. I fucking hate contradiction.
* Do not login for hours on end. Short, rapid visits are best. - Is there a reason for this? Who the fuck even cares? Maybe I just left my browser open...
* Do not assume the person you are talking to is destitute or sad. - Again with the 'do not assume'...this is VERY important. People have layers.
* Never ever reply to emails on weekends. Wait until a weekday. - Why not? If I have a minute or 2 on a Saturday morning or Sunday night, I'm going to reply...unless you give me a GREAT reason as to why this would help my dating life.
* Never state how good your sexual performance is in your profile. - Actually guys have a tendency to bring this one up too soon...we don't want to hear it right away UNLESS we've specifically stated that it is ALL we are looking for...then it's fair game for all.
* If you don't want to date married men, spell it out in your profile. - Don't stray from it either. If a guy says 'I'm separated'...he's still fucking married. Don't do it unless you like hearing the 'I'm going to divorce my wife for you' bit and like to get your heart broken. This sucks...just don't.
* A man who doesn't reply to your email within 3 days should be ignored. - What? The guy can't have a job? Go on vacation? Attend a funeral in a different state? What happened to 'don't assume'?
* Make sure your humor levels come across in text. - What? I thought I couldn't be clever? Fuck...now I'm confused again...
* Do not chat to hundreds of men at once. The delay in replying is a dead giveaway and your Mr. Right will be off. - Disagreed! Hundreds=prob not a good idea but several-YES! Just don't rule out options until you know for sure you have a keeper.
* Don't even think about misrepresenting your size or description. They will find out. - HAHAHHAHA I've heard this so many times I feel sick thinking about it. If you're blonde (I mean haircolor), say 'blonde'. If you are 300 lbs, you aren't 'curvy'. If you truly want to meet someone, it's always best to be honest. "I'm a 31 year old woman with curly brunette hair, hazel/green eyes and am a size 36B." Happy?
* Come across as cool and sophisticated for best results. - Just fucking be yourself. If you're a slightly nerdy, balance challenged (klutzy) Midwest girl who knows way too much about computers or video games...be that girl for best results.