Movie Review - Blindness

I've been pretty busy lately so here's a movie review done by one of my 'followers'. It's about the movie Blindness that came out last year. Reason for the late review? My protege recently watched it and it struck a nerve. Read more to find out more (Seattle Freeze comments in parenthesis):

A random guy is sitting in his car blocking some people therefore, annoying other drivers (I hate it when random guys sit in cars). Someone goes up to the car to see what his problem is only to find that he’s blind and (apparently) this has left him unable to think or do anything anymore (interject sarcasm in previous sentence). Another guy says he will drive the poor dumb guy home. What a good Samaritan (well, fuck it...just assume the whole review is sarcastic)... He takes him home and the blind guy explains that it is like looking through milk so his view is white instead of black. So the good Samaritan leaves the poor confused bastard and takes his car. Blind guy doesn’t seem to notice (cuz blind guy is...also a moron? or does he just want to turn it into insurance and get a better car? ...that a blind guy could use...yes? yes?).

Patient Zero’s (previously referred to as 'blind guy') wife takes him to an ophthalmologist. The doctor doesn’t know what the hell is going on...surprise, surprise. Then as you can imagine...more characters in the movie start going blind (delish! wonder what happens!? *sitting excitedly*). They soon figure out that maybe it’s an infection, like zombies, and decide to quarantine them. The actress, Julianne Moore, (god...I love her!) who plays the eye doctor's wife, decides to pretend to be blind to stay with him in quarantine (she hasn't been affected yet). So they get tossed (not unlike how I'm tossing chunks right now) in this hospital and have to figure out how to live without help from the outside. All they get from the outside is a bit of food (and smokes?).

More and more people get crowded in and they have to choose which ward they want to live in. BTW...after a while the place literally looks like shit. They have no clue how to survive, they can’t find the bathroom so people just shit and piss in the hall they are dirty, the one good thing about the movie was they actually looked gross and smelly (hmmm...I'm sorry, did you say 'good thing'?).

Anyway, while they are trying to figure out how to live, the wards become little countries with their leaders and of course, you have to have the evil ward that’s all men. Men are always the evil bastards...why is that exactly? (personally, evil women are much more threatening). Oh, and remember the good Samaritan and Patient Zero? Well Zero finally remembered his car was stolen, they recognized each others voices in the 'wards'. Zero was pissed about the car and the good Samaritan was pissed about catching the 'blindness' from Zero. So a scuffle ensued and the good Samaritan got his leg cut (I cut you, you thief, I cut you!). They tried to get the guards to give them medical supplies but the guards shot at them (yeah, that seems like the general response to a request for help). The guy later died dramatically (a good dramatic death scene is always key in these lame attempts at movies).

At some point the blind people were getting too close to the fence when new ones were being herded in and one of them wasn’t staying in line because they are just supposed to know where they’re going magically. (Magically! hahah Wait! This isn't Hogwart's!) The guards proceed to shoot them and several get killed (guards=love to shoot blind people).

We’re finally coming towards the end oh so slowly (too slowly if you ask me and I haven't even seen the movie) when their food begins to run low. They are trying to figure out how to ration when the evil ward, which has a gun now (by some magical, otherworldly means), decides to keep it and will ration it themselves.
Imagine idiot blind guy shooting, it’s quite funny (the most entertaining part?). Now we’re getting really dumb here, the evil ward wants “stuff” in exchange for food. What the hell do blind people locked in a hospital do with stuff exactly? (You know...stuff). Jewelry and other pointless crap? Then guess what?! They run out of crap to trade (previously referred to as 'stuff'), so what do they want now? A room full of horny gross blind guys? You guessed it! They want women. (To do 'stuff' with?) They are so hungry and stupid that some women decide to do it. Meanwhile, in one scene, Julianne Moore (eye doctor's wife) keeps eying a pair of sharp scissors. So they go to the evil blind guys and does Julianne Moore do anything to stop this? (because sex sells movies...duh). No, of course not why wouldn’t she want to go down on a extremely disgusting horrible little blind man (take back previous comment about loving Julianne Moore)? So they go through with the satisfying of the horny blind guys and one girl dies in the process (Wait...let me stop you here. I've never heard of death by blow job...not true). Then Julianne decides to do something about it and sneaks over there when another group of girls is doing their thing (ie...blow jobs?). She finally does something right (she swallowed?), then it’s war. A war between blind people! How hysterical!

Anyway, Julianne’s ward think they can finally overtake the one gun and the rest and gather a posse. Hehe, but someone else goes before them and sets the evil wards’ beds on fire. They all somehow get out of the hospital and find that no guards are there to stop them. BTW, she does finally tell her ward that she can see. So they go out in to the world in search of food (twinkies?).

And then the movie looks like “Dawn of the Dead” with people roaming around aimlessly and tripping over themselves with cars wrecked everywhere and the city looking totally trashed. Julianne and her husband leave their group to go find food. They find a supermarket and she goes in and finds the key to the storeroom and finds a crap load of food (is that the same as shit ton?). She loads up and heads back through the store. The crazed zombies/blind people smell the food and attack. But her blind husband saves her! Yay! Darn! So Julianne and the doctor invite their little band of freaks to live with them at their house and they get cleaned up and blah blah blah (the best part of the movie? blah, blah, blah?). One day Zero is sitting there and all of a sudden he can see! Yay! (insert unforeseen circumstances here). Maybe the rest will too now, magically (abracadabra! fuck...I think I just made a sequel). The last scene shows Julianne staring out at the city and looking up at the sky. It looks white and for a second thinks she’s going blind-she looks back down and oh, guess not… That was the end. (when? oh when can I have the last 8 minutes back???)

(Now the serious part. *giggle* Behave you stupid twits!) At first I thought, wow the people who made the movie really think the world would fall apart if everyone went blind. I find it hard to believe that could happen. But… maybe it would be the end. I guess it happened so fast that they couldn’t prepare people to survive. Julianne was actually feeding the doctor at one point-he gets frustrated and complains that she feeds, clothes and wipes his ass (Julianne Moore does this as a side job too). I found it amazing that he needed so much help. I mean haven’t you ever dressed in the dark? Plus since when do you need to actually look at your ass to wipe it? The people just behaved so stupidly in this movie that I found it irritating. Maybe if they hadn’t focused so much in the hospital and showed what was going on with the rest of the world it would have been better? (No). Maybe not. (Yes).
I guess if you think about it, our society depends on sight quite a bit. You have to see to drive, run a power plant, run a tractor to plow a field, walk in an unfamiliar place, shoot someone, fly a plane……(you don't need to see to shoot someone...just to shoot the person you intend to harm). It would put everyone on an even playing field too, you can’t really bomb someone if you can’t see them. I would feel sorry for the world if that happened, to a point. If you don’t have good enough instincts and common sense to survive then that’s your problem (and you're an idiot). I would be fine as I have a guide dog…(tis true...and he's a-fucking-dorable!) BTW I know plenty of blind people that can feed themselves, with forks even, (and sporks?), dress themselves and wipe their asses just fine.

To wrap up...Hollywood sometimes makes bad choices. As does Julianne Moore in choosing movie roles. The sad part...this movie won a few stupid awards...don't worry, they are nothing we've actually heard about and granted, it could have been up against some other equally stupid movies like Twilight, so can you say 'shoe in?'...I'm just sayin'...

Thanks Liverfire! Now put that stupid vampire book down and watch some more lame-ass movies to review for me! PS-we are now blacklisting Julianne Moore so keep it in mind when doing so.

Note to Julianne-*whisper* Find new manager! ASAP!

Synopsis, in case you couldn't read the whole review: