I realize that recently I've thrown a lot of 'serious' issues at my blog readers but please stay with me! ...crazy girl questions below...
A few months ago, I broached the subject of bene-friends and the logistics of such. I did so because it hits a bit close to home regarding a situation I'm in...well, I guess it's not really a situation but more like the normal 'bene-friend' arrangement.
The arrangement goes like this: if neither of us are in relationships, we have sex. Easy enough explanation, right?
The conundrum I'm having though, is that there's a relationship I'm working on outside of this (for the past few months) and am not sure where one begins and the other one ends.
...I know, it doesn't make a lot of sense yet but ... wait.
For the record (because I know some of you have questions)-I haven't been having sex with my 'bene-friend' since I met the 'new guy' (nor do I want to). Happy? :P
A side note (that tangles things a bit) is that my bene-friend is an ex-boyfriend (who hasn't dated or been with anyone but me in 2 years). And, as I said in a previous blog, this is an acceptable bene-friend arrangement if both parties are on the same page about things. Ours being, that neither of us have actually wanted more from the relationship since we split 2 years ago.
But another problem is...I've been able to be the most 'needy' in my life with this ex. And...I'm not a needy person but am wondering if I should be more so? Independence is one thing but...what about when I just need to say:
'I'm tired of being alone. I'm sick of sleeping alone. And why can't I be needy sometimes? What's wrong with that?'
By 'needy' with him, I don't mean calling him, wanting things from him, etc, etc...I mean...emotionally. Although I know he's not the only guy in my life that I feel won't judge me, he's the closest.
Let me try to make more sense. Examples!
He comes over late last night because he's in the area and slightly drunkish (this is how it normally goes...fyi). I'm not going to turn him away because I wouldn't do that to ANY of my friends (I'd rather they be safe with me).
We talk for a while (ok...we talk til about 1:30 a.m. because I actually haven't seen him in 3 months).
I ask him this: 'What about me keeps you coming back around?'
Because, in the overall realm of things-this answer could be the key to the disappearance of my single days!
He says, 'You don't need me.'
(then he told me I should move into his apartment building in Seattle, even offering to let me bring my 'boyfriend' by to play Rock Band anytime I wanted)
But wait...now I'm confused. I don't need him?!? Apparently, I do, right? Otherwise, I wouldn't have let this 'arrangement' go on for so long? Otherwise, I wouldn't spill my emotional guts to him every time he's within 15 feet! Otherwise, I'd be able to sleep while he was there! Or otherwise, I'd have said 'Nah, don't come over to my house. How about we go to a movie this weekend or something?'
My question: Why do I feel bad? Me and the new guy haven't had the 'conversation' yet... Am I doing something wrong by even letting this 'bene-friend' stay knowing our history? Knowing that he'll try to crawl into bed with me at 2:30 a.m.? (which he did) Giving him information about me and my life that I should be divulging to a new relationship if I really want it to work?
But why am I so scared of new relationships??? Isn't that what I want? If it were, why do I still have so many past relationships in my life? What about connections? How do I know if they are real or not?
And the 10 million dollar question...how do I know if I'm a commitment-phobe or not?
I really don't want to be!!! But I'm worried that maybe I'm damaging new relationships without even knowing what I'm doing!
Oh and ... by 'emotionally spilling my guts', I mean...I asked him all these questions. Who does that? And what guy sits through it? (knowing full well he's not getting laid) And STILL comes back???
His response, 'You meet tons of guys SF. You don't need to worry about being alone for long. You just haven't met the 'right' guy yet. Talk to the new guy...be proactive about it. It's me who's afraid of commitment, remember?'
And he's right...unfortunately, he knows me that well.
I replied, 'I'm sick of meeting guys. I want to meet just one guy. I don't need the fairy tale, I just want the best-friend/he will always be there for me/sex whenever I want/tell me about your mundane day-thing.'
(seriously...how does he get to be the one that I can be so 'me' with?)
Then I left him on the couch and went to bed. (yes...I went bed alone)
Ok...now that I've been extremely open with you all, I'm going to post something funny and stop THINKING!! (it's overrated)
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5 comments:
Did you ever think(maybe we talked about this, I don't know) that maybe you need something from him in particular not him as a whole? I am not meaning for that to sound bad I swear. And maybe he needs something from you, not you as a whole. And remember the reason you spilled your guts to him is that you've known him a long time...
Take control and jump in, that's all you have to do. Simple but hard I know.
I think I've always told myself that I'm being there for him knowing that it's hard for him to open up to people and I've been able to break down those walls.
But I think you're right, there's something special about him-I just don't know his place with me...I do know that I DON'T want anything else with him though...been there, done that.
I'm a huge proponent of 'for everything there is a reason'.
Okay, so I must pose this question: if your 'bene-friend' came to you this weekend and said, "SF, I want to be with you, fully, in a relationship. I want to try it again, seriously." What would you say? And, more importantly, where would 'New Guy' stand?
I would say 'I'm sorry, I just don't have that feeling for you anymore.' Along with the normal...'I love the person that you are' kind of stuff... The hard part is the wanting your ex to prove they can be the person that they should have been in the first place.
This is safe to say to him though because of everything I actually know about him and knowing that we want different things. I'm not about to compromise that...again.
New guy isn't in danger of being sent to the back of the (very short) line. :)
After this past weekend, I realize I left some questions unanswered about this post.
No...I don't contact this 'bene-friend', it's pretty one-sided with him being the initiator.
No...I will not mess up any other relationships for this guy (he doesn't really want me as much as I don't really want him).
Yes...he's a good guy. Just not the 'one' for me.
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